


Irrevocable | Kylo Ren Modern AU

by simpremerat



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Cliffhangers, Dominant Kylo Ren, Drama, F/M, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Parent-Child Relationship, Plot, Plot Twists, Slow Burn, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 22:54:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 43,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29340132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simpremerat/pseuds/simpremerat
Summary: No commitment, that was the agreement. He paid to give you a decent future, you gave him a temporary escape from a high profile career and a wife who detested him. You wanted more, you thought he did too, but when the end came it was sudden and cruel. As quick and punishing as a blade to the heart. When those two pink lines appeared on the pregnancy test a few weeks later he had already moved on and you decided to raise your child alone. But years later fate brings you back into Kylo's orbit and now you have a four year old little girl and a lot of explaining to do to a man who seems more enemy than lover.--------modern day kylo ren au. 18+.Trigger Warnings;- blood- violence- smut- nsfw- dub-con- choking/breath play- dom!Kylo/sub! Reader- unhealthy/toxic relationship- adultery/cheating spouse- sexual situations- strong language- mature themes- substance abuse- major character death**originally posted to Wattpad, adding to ao3.
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Reader, Ben Solo/Reader, Ben Solo/You, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Comments: 5
Kudos: 34





	1. Home Part 1

**_TWs_** ; _smut,_ _DUBIOUS CONSENT, degradation, bondage, delayed/denied orgasm, breath play, mature language, mentions of adultery and illegal activity, drug use, underage alcohol consumption, toxic/dysfunctional relationship, inconsistent/lack of after care, fair warning Kylo is not Mr. Romance._  
  
(a/n); thank you so much for reading my newest fic. please ensure that you have read the TWs in the summary and above, if you are not comfortable with any of these items I ask you read no further. take care of yourselves first <3 

the first chapter contains a lot of flashbacks to set up the story, this will not be the structure of future chapters. we will have a few here and there but the story mainly takes place present day. this is also a two part first chapter. 

***************

_ Present Day _

_At the exit, take a left, and then your destination will be on the right._

The sudden boom of the GPS through your speakers made you jump. You hadn't been paying close attention, too absorbed in the anxiety twisting uncomfortably within you to be mindful of the directions. You didn't really need them. Though it had been almost five years since you'd been home, this part of the city hadn't changed much. Turning on the navigation system had been yet another failed attempt at separating yourself from the person you used to be to one you were now; as if not knowing your way around anymore would clearly define the two phases of your life.

It was easier at home. Your new home. When you'd moved you didn't know a single soul. No one knew you, your history, nothing. And while that had brought with it a number of financial and social struggles, in the end you would have given up far more than what you did for the chance to start over. To escape the questions and judgement; to forget rather than endure the embarrassment and heartbreak. The life you created was stable. One that you could actually feel proud of and safe in.

And not just for you, for Violet, too.

Glancing in the rearview mirror as you pulled off on the exit the GPS indicated, you felt your heart swell at the sight of your daughter's sleeping face. You'd been waiting for her to crash; she'd been a trooper, awake most of the journey excitedly pointing out the mundane things only children could make seem extraordinary; a lime green car, a small herd of deer, a partial, fading rainbow after a brief bout of rain. For her this was just a fun road trip.

For you, it already felt ominous. Like you'd changed the course of the future by crossing the state line.

But you didn't have a choice. Not really. Your list of excuses that had gotten you out of countless holidays, birthdays, and get togethers had served you well over the years, but this wasn't a happy occasion you could send your regrets for. Maz deserved better than that. And funerals didn't come around again the next year. There was one chance to say goodbye, and even though your relationship with her over the last few years had been complicated, she'd more than earned enough respect from you to do more than send flowers and the age old story that work or a lack of childcare was keeping you away.

Granted, the latter would have been true this time. You'd tried to arrange for Violet to stay with a few of her pre-school friends but with Christmas right around the corner those that weren't traveling were simply too busy. Her usual babysitter was sick with the flu. And Mrs. Connelly, your boss who had become something of an adoptive mother and grandmother to you and Violet was still on the mend from knee surgery.

The idea of bringing Violet back there, considering the number of people who knew nothing of her existence - and the select few who did who still wanted answers from you that you couldn't give - left you on edge. Over the last four years you'd gone above and beyond to give Violet a life free of the burden of your past; bringing her to the very place you'd escaped before she was even born seemed like asking for fate to intervene in the worst way possible.

All you could hope for was a short visit you didn't plan on repeating if you could help it.   
  


*****************

_ November 2014 _

"How can my financial aid be based on my parents' income when I don't even have any contact with them? You're telling me I can finish school because they have money? Newsflash, _I_ don't." You hissed into your phone, trying to keep your voice down but unable to fight the rising panic flooding through you. Financial aid had been an ongoing issue since you'd started school two and a half years before, but since you'd attended a community college for your freshman and sophomore years it had been affordable with only minimal aid and student loans. Unfortunately it was a whole different battle after transferring to a university to finish your undergraduate degree. While initially it seemed like you would be able to make it work with more loans, the remaining balance for the second half of your junior year wasn't being covered. And unless a miracle dropped out of the sky on to your lap, you were shit out of luck.

The woman you'd been harassing in the financial aid office all morning repeated the same information she'd just given you a few minutes before, sounding both irritated and bored. She'd probably had the exact same conversation a dozen other times that week; you were just another name on a list of students they wouldn't be welcoming back for the spring semester if your account wasn't settled.

How were you supposed to come up with seven thousand dollars in the next two weeks?

Listening to the same jargon about the inner workings of FAFSA and how emancipation was the only means of having your aid based off your income rather than your estranged parents' until you were twenty six - _years_ after you were set to have obtained your degree - you brought your hand up to pinch the bridge of your nose, closing your eyes briefly. You regretted your choice to take the call while sitting in a pub; listening to people's careless lunchtime conversations and the scrape of cutlery on plates somehow made the sinking feeling in your stomach worse. As if the universe itself wanted to remind you of how little importance the implosion of your future was.

"Yeah. Thanks. I get it. Fork over a shitload of money that doesn't exist or pack my bags." You interrupted the woman on the phone, scarcely caring that you'd barely listened to a word she'd said the last few minutes before hanging up on her. It wasn't anything new. The bottom line remained the same; as usual, you were on your own when it came to solving your problems.

Granted, some of that was your choice. You'd come from a wealthy family. More than wealthy, really. That was putting it mildly. Your father was the CEO of an extremely successful tech company that was rumored to soon be in competition with Amazon. Your mother, while she'd never worked so much as a day in her life, was an heiress to a fortune that would make some royalty weep thanks to her oil tycoon father.

Not only could they have paid for your education through a doctorate level without batting an eyelash, they could have bought you the whole damn school.

But their support, just like their love, always came with a price. Neither of them had been particularly invested parents to you or your brother, having no interest of chasing children around the house. You were raised by a string of nannies and housekeepers until you were old enough to be significant to your parents; and that was when the expectations began.

Your older brother Jason (everyone who knew him called him Jace, save for your parents who thought nicknames were 'tacky') was expected to be the gem of the family. Your father's successor. The golden child. Unfortunately for your parents, Jace had been a rebel from the moment he was old enough to rip the Victorian lace bonnet off his head while sitting for a family portrait. When they tried to get him to take up the violin he used the bow as a drumstick. When they tried to force him into cotillion with that witch Avery Claire he showed up to the presenting ceremony shirtless and in tattered sweats and bedroom shoes. When they tried to bully him into going to Harvard business school and an arranged marriage he moved out, went to NYU to study political science, and married his now husband, Poe.

Though you idolized Jace, your parents considered him the greatest disappointment of their lives and severed all contact. They tried to keep you from seeing or speaking with him but the two of you found ways around their oppressive approach to parenting.

Unfortunately because you were their only other child they threw themselves head first into trying to make you perfect. They expected a flawless grade point average, behavior always above reproach. They expected you to go where they said to go, date who they told you was acceptable, have only 'appropriate' opinions, and follow the other they planned for your life as holy writ.

You tried for a while. Despite resenting them you wanted them to be proud of you, to love you. But you couldn't be the perfect, thoughtless, obedient doll they wanted, and by the time you turned 18 you'd had enough. So you left them and their cold, empty mansion and their money and impossible standards. You finished high school and drifted from different friends couches, got the first waitressing job that would hire you, and saved every penny you could. It was nothing but stress and hard work but you were glad for it. You wanted to work for what you had, and more importantly you didn't want to be under your parents control anymore. Though they'd sworn you would come crawling back when you needed money, you never did. No matter how bad things got, you wouldn't prove them right.

But now, wondering how the hell you were going to survive this latest blow, you had to admit having someone else solve your problems didn't sound half bad.

"Remind me to never get on your bad side. If looks could kill..."

You turned in surprise at the sound of an amused voice beside you. In your distraction you hadn't even noticed a man had sat down at the table next to yours. He had a laptop open in front of him and a steaming mug of coffee next to it, but his attention seemed solely focused on you.

Much as you immediately wanted to fire back that you weren't in the mood to be taunted, you found yourself unable to do anything more than stare.

To call him just a man seemed insulting; he was _gorgeous_. Hair so dark brown it was only a few shades from being the color of a raven's wings. Expressive dark amber eyes with just a hint of green that missed nothing. A distinctly sensuous mouth that the mere sight of reminded you of naked flesh and twisted sheets. Strong jaw stubbled with dark hair; the beginnings of a beard or a really long night. Prominent nose that rounded out his features. Built like a tank, both tall and muscular, you could see the line of his biceps through his button down shirt, the sleeves rolled up exposing his forearms.

But it wasn't just his attractiveness that drew you in. Beauty could be **bought** as quickly as it could fade. It was the way he was looking at you, the quiet confidence that radiated from him that left you so helplessly tongue tied. You realized in that moment the difference between mundane cockiness and utter self assurance; he was most definitely the _latter_.

Not getting the response he'd hoped for - or one at all - he rose one perfectly arched brow, "Something wrong?"

Finally managing to snap out of your own tangled thoughts you shrugged, trying to play off your less than graceful reaction as distraction with your 'bad side' he apparently wasn't eager to meet, "If I look so unfriendly why bothering speaking to me?"

You tucked your phone back into your bag to give yourself something to do other than admire the perfection of his jaw line. The lunch crowd was beginning to evaporate, people heading back to work or school. A few of the wait staff had begun cleaning tables in preparation for dinner service. You had nowhere to go - you had the day off work and you'd already finished classes for the day - but you still made a show of gathering your things to leave. You could feel your cheeks warming at the continued presence of his gaze.

"I like unfriendly people, they're more fun to talk to."

Pausing from digging around the bottom of your bag for your last few bills you looked up, feeling your own eyebrows shoot up. He might have been the hottest thing you'd ever laid eyes on but you knew a line when you heard one. "Does that bullshit line actually work on girls?"

Though he didn't spare you a laugh, you saw a gleam of humor in his eyes, "More than you'd think." Picking up his mug he took a long sip, seeming to savor the taste before setting it back down on the polished wood surface of the table, "Humor me. What upset you?"

It was all you could do not to squirm under the intensity of his gaze. It was so hilariously out of place in a casual pub filled mostly with college students and office workers; the man belonged on the pages of _GQ_.

Maybe you should have told him to mind his own business, but you suddenly felt the overwhelming need to talk to someone. Jace and Poe would be at work for the next few hours. Rachel, your best friend and roommate was in class. Your close coworkers busy at the restaurant. A stranger was pretty much your only option. "Financial issues, like most of the rest of the world." Most. Not for your parents. Nor, did you guess, for him. Everything from the high end laptop to the Louboutin Oxfords on his feet **screamed** wealth.

"Credit cards? Sick relative?" He questioned casually, not sounding particularly concerned either way. In fact as his eyes drifted down to his laptop you got the distinct impression he was already bored.

Feeling a spark of irritation, you narrowed your eyes. _You_ weren't the one who'd invaded his privacy and struck up a conversation. It irked you that he had the nerve to behave like a child dissatisfied with a story, "School, actually. In lieu of my firstborn, my university expects me to make several thousand dollars appear out of thin air or I can kiss my degree goodbye."

Undoubtedly hearing the aggravation in your tone, he glanced up from the screen and cocked his head to the side, "What are you going to do about it? Aside from brood and look at strangers like you're considering stabbing them with a fork?" He glanced pointedly at your right hand resting on the table, right next to a roll of untouched silverware.

Despite the fact that you might not have said no to at least throwing the fork at him, you couldn't help a small smile, "Maybe if strangers weren't nosing around in my business I wouldn't have to consider such violent alternatives." The humor quickly faded, though. You weren't in the mood to joke about the consequences of not fixing your current predicament. You felt your expression fall before sighing, "I don't know. I'll figure it out. What other choice is there?"

For you, there wasn't one. You hadn't worked this hard just to throw in the towel at the end, and you weren't going to spend the rest of your life struggling if you could help it.

"Give up, I suppose." He shrugged again, guessing the direction of your thoughts. When you didn't agree he went on, "Your parents aren't helping?"

"When hell freezes over I'll take money from them." You shook your head, tone dry and just a touch resentful. You might have been a little tempted earlier, but nothing would make you go back to them. If you asked for so much as a dime they'd hold it over for the rest of your life. "They're not an option. I've taken out the max in student loans, and banks aren't interested in giving a twenty year old anything. You don't happen to know of any poorly guarded banks?"

This time he cracked a smile. Just half of one, but the way it lit up his face made your heart skip a beat. "Afraid not." Closing his laptop he tucked it in his messenger bag before he finished off the last few sips of his drink. He reached into his pocket as he stood up, - making you realize just how tall he was - surprising you with his abrupt exit. He set down a black business card in front of you with sleek white writing before gathering his things and tossing a hundred dollar bill on the table, "My treat. Meet me tonight at 10:00. Text me and I'll send you the address." Noting your shock, he reached for you, capturing a lock of your hair and twisting around his finger before giving a light tug like a bell, "I can help you. And I think you can help me, too."

Releasing you, he strode away quickly, disappearing out the door. You watched him go before picking up the card and reading the small print;

_Snoke & Associates | Attorneys At Law_   
_Kylo Ren, Esq._

******************

You couldn't explain why, but you text him only twenty minutes later. You knew it was stupid, maybe even dangerous. After all the guy could have been a serial killer and you'd just stupidly walked into his trap, but you still agreed to meet him at the address he sent you at 10:00 sharp. The circumstances would have allowed you to blame desperation - despite your assurances you didn't have even a shred of a plan - but admittedly you probably would have gone even if he hadn't promised you anything. There was just something about Kylo Ren that had gotten under your _skin_.

A quick Google search had told you the address was at least in a public place; a club downtime you'd seen but never been to. The kind of place where money was no object and there was always a line of people wrapped around the building desperate for a chance to gain access.

Kylo had instructed you to skip the line, instead telling you to use a side entrance and give the man at the door your name. After giving it to Kylo via text. It was almost amusing to you that you were going through all of this when the two of you had parted ways without making any kind of introduction earlier. It sounded sketchy, but considering the freezing temperature and the shortness of the black dress you'd chosen from your closet, you were thankful for the lack of a wait. Thankfully you'd managed to avoid a run in with Rachel before you left the apartment, if she'd seen you going out in a dress that short with your hair blown out and makeup done she wouldn't have let you go without a round of questions you weren't ready to answer. Though Kylo hadn't outright propositioned you, you figured it didn't hurt to look extra nice.

When you made your way around the side of the club to the nondescript black door Kylo had told you about you knocked loudly a few times, surprised at how quickly it pulled open. Did they always position someone inside by random doors? The thud of music and bright flashes of multicolored lights greeted you.

The man who'd opened the door was close to Kylo's height and even burlier; the suit jacket he wore looked strained against the width of his arms and chest. He looked you up and down, "What?"

"Um..." you stumbled over your words for a moment, stunned at his rudeness, but you recovered quickly. You weren't trying to sneak in. And you weren't going to let a gorilla in a suit intimidate you away. Crossing your arms you gave him your name, raising a brow as if to challenge him. You didn't know how much pull Kylo had, but you suspected he was powerful. Certainly moreso than the guy manning the door. 

Another shameless glance over you that lingered too long on your exposed legs and the man nodded, stepping aside, "Come on. I'll take you to him."

Stepping over the threshold you waited for him to close the door before following him towards the back of the building. You wove through the throngs of people, feeling your palms begin to sweat with nervousness. Now that you were actually here you had to wonder, how far were you actually willing to go for your future?

Thanks to the man's massive size the crowd parted more easily, you just trailed behind him. The club was larger than it appeared on the outside, a dizzying blur of lights, shimmering dresses, and smoke pouring away from the DJ booth. It was impossible to hear your own thoughts with the loud bass of the music. The place didn't strike you at all as somewhere an attorney would spend their time.

Then again, Kylo didn't look like any attorney you'd ever seen.

The man lead you to the back of the club. It was roped off with a few bouncers standing guard. At first it looked like they were posted by the wall, but you quickly realized the seemingly blank black wall had a few doors the same color as the wall. Private rooms?

One of the bouncers wordlessly unclipped the rope before gesturing you both through. Before you could ask, your guide opened one of the doors, revealing a very different environment from the rest of the club.

There were only about two dozen people in the expansive room, and three of them appeared to be body guards hovering over a small group of men sitting on a cluster of black leather couches, watching appreciatively as a girl who appeared to be around your age danced in nothing but a thong for them.

You averted your gaze, feeling like you'd walked in on something you shouldn't have, but no one paid any attention to you. There was a group of men standing around the small bar on the far side of the room, all with drinks in their hands, appearing to be different levels of intoxicated. Save for one.

Kylo.

Though he was clearly engaged in conversation and held a glass of amber colored liquor in his hand, you were willing to bet your right hand he was sober. There was too much awareness in his expression for you to believe he was anything but.

Seeing him from a distance allowed you to once again take him in. He was easily one of the youngest men in the room, but he held the same self assured composure as earlier in the day. You couldn't decipher his role without knowing more, but other people seemed to respect him. The man next to him clapped him affectionately on the back. Which, judging by the slight tightening of his jaw he didn't appreciate, but he seemed content to let the other man have his fun.

The man who's led you into the room made his way over to Kylo quickly, gesturing to where you'd stopped several feet away once he had his attention. A few heads, his included, turned your way, but you had no desire to get closer to a group of drunken middle aged men eyeing you like a rack of lamb.

You saw him mutter something to the few he was talking to before excusing himself, crossing the distance between you easily with his long strides. Unlike his cohorts, the sweep of his eyes over your body didn't disgust you. Instead you found yourself speechless again, **enjoying** his attention more than you should have.

When he was close enough for you to smell the scent of his cologne he stopped, that drink still held in his hand. "Nervous is a strange look on you. Where's all that fire from before?" Though the music in the room was significantly less loud than the club outside it was still enough that he had to incline his head towards you to hear.

"Simmering until I decide you're not a murderer." You managed to sound far more confident than you felt. You seriously doubted he'd called you to a public place to kill you but the jury was still out on him. Even if he was hot, he was still essentially a stranger.

Rather than defend his honor, he raised his glass, "Fair enough. Let's get you a drink," not waiting for your response he grabbed your hand and lead the way back to the bar. You knew you'd told him earlier than you weren't old enough to drink, but he either didn't remember or didn't care about legal restrictions. Ordinarily you would assume it was the latter but considering his profession you assumed he'd be more straight laced.

"What's your drink?" He asked, moving to stand between you and the other men he'd been speaking with earlier. To your surprise though a few of them glanced your way again, they made no move to approach. Further reinforcing your theory that Kylo had more than his fair share of influence.

The bar tender looked expectantly towards you, not bothering to ask for ID. After a moment you shrugged, _when in Rome._ "Amaretto sour." The bar tender set to work immediately, Kylo seemed slightly surprised. You shrugged again. You weren't a **nun**.

But you were going to _combust_ if he kept holding your hand.

His palm was warm and slightly calloused. Wrapped around yours lightly, but you couldn't stop thinking about the size of his hands. Nearly twice the size of yours. Hands that were strong and steady and held just as much potential to _hurt_ as they could heal. From him, you weren't even sure which you wanted.

When your drink arrived a moment later you gratefully picked it up and took a sip, enjoying the tart warmth sliding down your throat, giving you enough courage to look up and meet his gaze, "Are you going to tell me what I'm doing here now?"

If your forwardness bothered him he gave no indication. For a long moment he studied you, again making you resist the urge to squirm. For someone who exuded confidence, he was skilled at _deflating_ yours. "I can't decide if I like that smart mouth of yours or if it needs to be tamed." He didn't acknowledge your widened eyes, instead he nodded towards the far corner of the room, "Come on."

Leading the way he brought you to a small booth. It was upholstered with the same black leather as the other furniture in the room but the walls of the booth came up high enough that you were shielded from the rest of the room. Something which you found yourself grateful for when you glanced over your shoulder and found the small group of men with the girl snorting coke off her ass while she draped herself over the coffee table.

Far be it for you to judge, but it wasn't really a visual you needed.

You slid into the both next to Kylo, sitting your drink down on the table after taking another sip. You wanted a clear head for whatever it was he was about to propose to you, but you also wanted the liquid courage after what he'd just said to you.

"Who are all these people?" You asked, knowing you were distracting him getting more important answers, but your curiosity had gotten the better of you. Besides, if you were figuratively or literally going to climb into bed with him, it couldn't hurt to know more, right? Turning towards him, noting the guarded look in his eyes, you continued to press, "Your card said you were a lawyer, right? This doesn't exactly look...lawful." You glanced pointedly at the half empty drink in front of you that he'd been the means of you procuring.

Though you couldn't be sure, he seemed entertained rather than offended by your question. He slid his arm around the back of the booth, just barely touching your shoulders. His hand toyed with a strand of your hair, "I'm not a cop. Upholding the law isn't my job; keeping my clients out of prison is. What you walked in on is a celebration of sorts. All of these men were just acquitted of an impressively long list of federal crimes. To ensure they stay out of trouble, I thought it best to have them blow off some steam in a controlled environment."

The level of honesty he seemed comfortable sharing with you was surprising, but then again considering your reasoning for meeting with him it wasn't like you could stand on the moral high ground. And really, at the end of the day you weren't a cop either; you had too much to worry about as it was without adding other people's sins or lack there of into the mix.

"I take it that means you're good at your job?" You guessed. Based on the way he'd phrased it these weren't innocent men celebrating vindication so much as clients celebrating the **payoff** of Kylo's talents and what you were sure were massive legal fees. You took another sip of your drink, wondering why he'd still not touched his own.

Before you could ask he gave a single nod, seeming pleased with your conclusion, "One of the best." He stated it matter-of-factly. Mirroring your body language he angled his large frame towards you, leaning closer, "It's highly rewarding work, which is why I can assure you that I can easily solve your financial issue. I appreciate anyone trying to work for a better future for themselves; specifically someone opposed to handouts."

Not that he didn't have a point - you didn't want handouts - but you hadn't forgotten that there was something he wanted _your_ help with that he'd yet to elaborate on. "I would prefer to work for it, but I'm not letting a bunch of old geezers snort coke off my ass if that's what you had in mind." You clarified dryly.

In the blink of an eye his hand was around your throat. Those large fingers you'd been day dreaming about squeezing just hard enough to let you know how much **damage** he could inflict if he wanted to. You swallowed tightly against his grip, your hand instinctively reaching for his as he inclined his head towards you. You felt the tip of his nose skim across your temple as he breathed in your scent, "I wonder if you'll be so readily defiant when you're on your knees with something in that mouth." He murmured, his breath tickling your skin, sending a shiver through you that had nothing to do with the cold. A statement like that from anyone else you were sure would have had you seeing red, but from Kylo all you felt was a tightening in your core; a warm rush of heat hidden only by the thin fabric of your panties.

"While my job affords me many luxuries, it's also demanding and thankless by nature. It allows me very little... _control_ ," he explained, leaning back to meet your gaze again, but refusing to move the hand still latched to your windpipe. A part of you wanted to struggle, but you were enraptured by him. Completely entranced by the smooth tenor of his voice, "I will pay for the rest of your education, I can have the money wired first thing tomorrow morning. In return, I want you."

It wasn't that it was a surprise. He hadn't exactly been subtle about his intent, and you hadn't shown up dressed the way you were because you were scandalized at the idea of trading sex for tuition, but you still had to wonder what someone like _him_ wanted with you.

Especially since you felt the cold metal of a **ring** on his wedding finger against your neck.

With the hand still covering his, you reached out a single finger and touched the band of his wedding ring, "Does she mind you having a girlfriend?"

You could see the flash of anger in his eyes again, but you weren't going to back down. Didn't you have a right to know if you were wrecking a home?

"She's none of your concern. And I'm not looking for a girlfriend. What I need is someone who can satisfy certain needs. Who can be discreet and work around my schedule. Who doesn't need the coddling and petting of a _girlfriend._ Someone who will learn to stop asking so many fucking questions."

You took a long moment to digest what he was saying. While young, you weren't naïve. You knew exactly what he was asking for; someone to fuck behind his wife's back with no strings attached who also wouldn't call him on his shit. A part of you wanted to tell him to fuck off then and there - you weren't a doormat. But you knew that was just your pride speaking.

You had always been stubborn and rebellious in life, but Kylo wasn't looking someone to live his life with. It wouldn't be like your parents with their never ending list of rules and expectations that would follow you to the grave. It was a temporary exchange.

Admittedly you weren't opposed to the idea of relinquishing control in some small aspect of your life. You did so much independently and dealt with so much stress in your life that the idea of shutting your brain off for something purely _psychical_ was more like a welcome respite rather than a chore.

Dropping your hand down to your lap slowly, you tried to reason out the deal you were making, "How does this work?" You hoped he wasn't being too literal about the whole no questions thing.

"I pay your tuition and you make yourself available to me when I ask, within reason. I will of course respect your class and job schedule, but generally I'd say leave your late evenings and weekends clear. This arrangement exists only between us, I'll draw up an NDR that we'll both sign." He finally, mercifully, released his grip on your neck and dropped his arm back to his side, though the arm around your shoulders remained. When your gaze drifted towards your drink he tilted your head back to narrow his eyes at you, "One last thing; while you're with me, you will not engage in any sort of relationship with other men."

The irony of a man casually discussing cheating on his wife telling you not to see anyone else almost made you laugh, but self preservation convinced you to reign in that particular urge, "How long is this arrangement supposed to last?" If you were going to forgo part of your life for his comfort it was only fair he set a time limit. Though it felt like half your brain capacity had already given up on caring and had moved straight into daydreaming about what it would be like to touch him. To feel those _hands_ roving over your body.

"Your graduation." His response was so quick you knew he'd already spent time thinking about this, which was as weirdly flattering as it was bizarre to be plotting out your non-romance 18 months into the future.

But it wasn't unreasonable. You could do this for a year and a half. You could do damn near anything if it meant you'd get you degree and you didn't have to slink back to your parents in defeat or end up working your fingers to the bone to pay back the debt for two and a half years of school.

"Deal." You said, perhaps a bit too quickly. Amusement lit his eyes again. No one in their right mind would believe for a second you were dreading a few trips to Kylo's bed, or any other available surface. You held your hand up to his to shake, but drew it back before he could touch you, "Not that I don't trust you, but can we wait until this is all settled?"

"I'd be disappointed in you if you jumped without looking," Kylo remarked dryly, pulling his phone from his pocket he typed furiously for a few long seconds before tucking it back in his pocket and finally taking a long sip of his drink. "I have everything arranged to move forward tomorrow, you should receive a call from the school to confirm and I'll have them send a letter as well to verify your tuition is fully paid." When he noticed your expression he rose a brow, "What?"

"Why did you wait so long to drink?" You asked, figuring you could be as nosy as you wanted until all the paperwork was signed. You grabbed your glass and took another sip, able to enjoy it more now that the worst was over.

To your surprise, he gave you a sly grin and tapped the side of his glass against yours, "Never drink until the deal is made, duchess."

****************

The less than ladylike phrase that left your mouth after his mischievous admission that night earned you a warning look that you were sure would come with consequences later, but you were safe for the time being.

You still had no idea why he'd called you 'duchess' but it made your heart race in your chest. Something which you quickly chided yourself for; you barely knew him and you were swooning over a pet name. 

The night ended soon after that. Not because you chose to, but because he personally escorted you out of the club and back to your car, telling you to go home and get some sleep. Your obvious lack of enjoyment in being ordered around amused him again. He'd leaned in towards you when you reached your car, your breath hitching in your throat, thinking he was going to kiss you. Instead he murmured in your ear, "Tomorrow night. I'll text you a time and address. Wear this again." His fingers ghosted along the hem of your dress, but to your relief and _disappointment_ drifted no further. 

You all but melted into the pavement as he turned and headed back inside, not stopping to look back. 

******************

The next morning you'd woken to the sound of your phone ringing. So exhausted you didn't even check the caller ID, expecting it to be Jace or Rachel. Instead it was the financial aid office letting you know your tuition was paid through graduation. You'd been too stunned to do much more than thank the man who'd called and confirm your address for the receipt they would be mailing you, just as Kylo promised. 

Not that you'd thought him a liar, but there'd been a part of you who still believed the whole thing was too good to be true. Since when did things like this ever happen outside of a movie or a raunchy romance novel? 

Your answer came in the form of Kylo Ren. When you'd texted him to thank him his reply had been immediate.

_**K:** Don't thank me, duchess. You're earning it. _

_**Y/N:** Why do you keep calling me that? _

_**K:** Stop asking so many fucking questions. _

_**K:** Are you on birth control?_

_**K:** The NDA is in your email. Sign it and send it back. I'll have a copy for you tonight. _

_**Y/N:** Be still my heart, what a romantic. _

_**K:** Your smart mouth is not **nearly** as endearing when I can't see up your skirt. _

_**Y/N:** Noted, I guess? Yes I'm on birth control. I'll send it back in a few. _

_**K:** Good girl. _

_**K:** Tonight. 11:00. The address is on my business card. Security will let you in. _

_**K:** Wear the dress. _

_**Y/N:** You already told me that. _

_**K:** Astute observation. No panties. _

The day passed in a blur. Amazing how time didn't drag when you weren't dreading the day to come. Without your tuition woes to worry about you were able to focus in classes, feeling significantly more prepared for your finals the following week before school let out for the holidays. The patrons that usually grated on your last good nerve at work - the kid tossing food over his shoulder on the floor you'd just swept, the bald guy complaining that his steak was too medium for the sixth time so he could get a comped meal, the lady telling you that your work-mandated uniform top was too low cut because her sleaze of a boyfriend couldn't keep it in his pants - barely registered. The dinner shift passed in a blaze of activity and by 9:00 when you closed and locked the doors behind you, you actually felt energized. 

And _nervous_. 

You didn't want to be. You'd agreed to this. You'd spent hours already telling yourself it was no big deal. That it was worth it. That it wasn't like you'd signed your soul over to the devil. But Kylo wasn't some random guy you'd agreed to go on a date with. A Google search told you that he was ten years older than you, rolling in money thanks to his budding legal career, and married to a model named Reyna Lucas. A model. _Of course_ he was married to a model. He looked like a Greek god. Who else would he be married to? Though you couldn't bring yourself to search for pictures. Not because you didn't want to know, but somehow it felt all the more insulting to be researching a woman when you were planning on sleeping with her husband. 

Before now you'd never given much thought to adultery. The term 'home wrecker' only seemed a tangible thing in movies, you were still struggling with the idea that you'd signed up to do it for the next 18 months. Granted you weren't the one who'd taken vows, it wasn't _your_ responsibility to force Kylo to be faithful to his wife, but you were entering into this knowing you were deliberately hurting someone else so you could get what you wanted. 

It was selfish, you weren't ignorant of that. But it didn't stop you from going through with it. 

As soon as you got home you showered, taking the personal grooming time. You spent longer on your hair and makeup than you ordinarily would have, but the familiar tasks helped settle your nerves. Once you were happy with the result you slid the dress over your naked body - the halter cut didn't allow for a bra and Kylo had demanded you arrive without panties - pairing it with a pair of Rachel's stilettos she'd let you borrow before donning your long black trench coat. You'd gotten lucky for the second night in a row, Rachel was staying the night at her boyfriend's apartment so you didn't have to dodge questions about where you were going. 

The drive to his office might have been longer during the day, but considering the hour traffic was minimal and you ended up pulling into the parking garage almost fifteen minutes early. After a hair and makeup check you filled the next ten minutes debating on whether or not to go in early until you were sure if you waited any longer you'd be late. 

Balancing precariously on your borrowed shoes you made your way inside as quickly as possible, eager to be out of the biting wind. The law offices of one Alastair Snoke were on the top floor of a seventeen floor building. The lobby was accessible to anyone, but the elevators were blocked off by a long security desk. The man standing behind it looked bored, and more than a little surprised to see you come in. You doubted the building saw many visitors this late at night. 

If the lobby was any indication the level of success needed to be a tenant, Kylo's firm must have been more lucrative than you'd realized. The space was immaculate with high ceilings and marble floors. Sleek pieces of modern furniture were placed throughout the echoing space. On the far right side a Christmas tree that had be at least fifteen feet tall shined in the dim light, sparkling with lights and bright red and gold ornaments. 

After giving the security guard your name and telling him you had an appointment with Kylo Ren he passed you a guest badge to get through the dividers and instructed you to scan it at the badger reader on the top floor. 

Thanking him quietly you set off quickly, realizing you only had about two minutes before Kylo would be expecting you. You swiped the badge and slid through the divider, your thundering heart almost as loud in your ears as the clack of your shoes on the smooth floors. When you pressed the call button for one of the four elevators the doors slid open immediately. Even the elevators seemed upscale. As opposed to the generic small space and mirrored ceilings like what were all over your college campus, these were expansive, the walls a smooth dark matte grey that cast an iridescent light around you. You pressed the button for the seventeenth floor, hand automatically grabbing the sleek side bar on the wall, your stomach dropping at the speed. Or maybe it was just the nerves. 

Either way, the doors slid open only a few prolonged moments later to a set of solid double doors painted the same color as the interior of the elevators. The badge reader the guard had mentioned was easy to spot on the wall next to the door. Raising the small square of plastic to the reader you heard a quiet click before a green light flashed on the pad. Uncertain, you pulled at the handle of one of the doors, relieved when it opened. 

It was dim inside but it reminded you of the lobby. Sleek, stylish, and minimalistic. The walls were lined with doors that you imagined lead to offices and conference rooms. A massive front desk sat abandoned immediately to your right. It had a stone backsplash behind it with actual running water, the words 'Snoke and Associates' etched into the natural material. There were a few rows of glass lined cubicles in the center of the room. It looked kind of like a command center. Which, you imagined, if that was where the paralegals sat it probably was. 

The floor to ceiling windows - those that you could see that weren't obscured by offices and conference rooms - let in the lights of the city, gleaming in the hazy evening light. You weren't sure what it was like during the day, but at night it was almost peaceful. 

"Enjoying the view?"

At least it had been before Kylo's voice sounded to your left. You whirled around to face him, nearly falling out the damn shoes you'd worked so hard to balance in. How did someone so massive move so quietly? Sure it disobeyed the laws of psychics. You might have commented on it were it not for the look on his face. The way he was eyeing you like he wanted to _devour_ you. 

Noticing that he'd left you once again tongue tied he opted to take control again. "Your signed copy of the NDA is downstairs with security, you can pick it up on your way out. Leave your coat and bag on the desk and follow me." Without waiting for your response he turned and walked towards one of the closed doors on the left side of the room. 

Swallowing your nerves, you set your purse down on the reception desk before untying the sash on your coat. After undoing the buttons you let it fall from your shoulders and set it down before trailing after him, resisting the urge to reach out and nervously play with a strand of your hair. 

He opened the door to the third door from the wall, revealing a conference room. The long, sleek white table dominated the majority of the room. Aside from a few mounted TVs on the walls, the room was empty. The chairs from the table had been pushed to the far side of the room. Once you stepped through the threshold he shut the door behind you. 

"I had a four and a half hour meeting in this room today," he commented casually, coming to stand behind you. You felt his chest against your back, his arm sliding around you so his hand could press into your stomach. Pulling you closer, letting you feel his hardness against your ass. You bit back a mewl as his other hand captured your hair, shifting it off your neck, "I can't bore you with the details, but I spent the afternoon thinking about fucking you on this table. How does that sound? Do you want me to fuck you?"

An interesting question considering you were a little far beyond the point of saying no, but you didn't believe for a second your answer would have been different either way. He wasn't the only one who'd been fantasizing. Your dreams had been filled with images of Kylo Ren ranging from memories of the club and picturing what it would feel like to have him inside you. 

Fighting against your trembling lips you managed to find your voice, "Yes." 

"Are you sure? That wasn't very **convincing**." He taunted quietly, his hand drifting down your side, your hip, all the way to the hem of the too short black dress you'd never been happier you'd splurged on. You leaned into him as those long fingers stroked the smooth skin of your thigh, "Then again, there's this dress. I knew you would say yes the moment you walked in last night wearing it. You came ready to be my good little girl, didn't you? Whatever I asked for you would have given me. Are you always so eager? Or did you make an exception for me?" 

That more stubborn side of you that wasn't ruled by your baser needs wanted to argue; he was essentially calling you easy for taking him up on _his_ offer. But the more dominant side of you that was too focused on the fire across your skin just from the lightest of touches of his fingertips didn't care what he called as long as he kept touching you. 

"You're the only stranger who's ever offered to fix my problems Kylo, I guess we'll never know." Your breaths came shorter with anticipation. There was no explaining it. No denying. You wanted him. 

His hand on your thigh disappeared, instead reappearing to wind your hair around his fist, roughly jerking your head back. A noise, something between a moan and a gasp escaped your lips. Your scalp burned as he pulled just a little tighter, but you enjoyed the brief bite of pain. Something that surprised you; you'd never thought of yourself as someone who would. 

"We're going to fix this smart, beautiful little mouth of yours, little one." The hand pressing against your stomach moved to cup your chin, thumb toying with your lower lip. You could hear the amusement in his voice. The excitement. "You're going to start by calling me 'sir'. You don't deserve my name on that filthy tongue until you earn it." When you didn't immediately respond he pulled your hair tighter, savoring your hiss of pain, "Let me hear you." 

"Yes, sir." you parroted back quietly, caught again between rational thought and the lust clawing its way to the surface like a starving beast. 

The kiss against your temple felt condescending rather than affectionate. "Much better." Without warning his thumb plunged into your mouth, pressing down on your tongue, making you gag. The taste of his finger, the saltiness mixed with a distinctive tang of leather overwhelmed your taste buds. You struggled against his grip as he added his index finger while the rest of his hand still gripped your jaw. It was becoming difficult to breathe; your unconditioned muscles trying to resist him, "Ssshhh. Trust me, not the fear." 

Easer said than doe considering you still weren't fully convinced he wasn't a murderer, but for the sake of remaining somewhat in control you forced your body to obey, relaxing your throat instead of fighting the invasion. 

"Better," he repeated, letting his fingers linger for a few moments more before releasing you completely. He took a small step back, leaving you greedily sucking in oxygen. "Arms over your head." He ordered abruptly from behind you, startling you. 

Nonetheless you complied, raising your arms up as he'd asked. Understanding why when you felt his fingers grip the hem of your dress. He inched the fabric slowly up your body, inch by inch, pausing once he realized you'd followed his orders in not wearing panties. His quiet, indrawn breath shouldn't have had such an affect on you, but you liked the idea of him being pleased with you. Of **him** being the one too tongue tied for words. 

"Something wrong, _sir_?" You asked innocently, playing coy. Keeping your gaze fixed firmly on the wall adjacent so he didn't see the mischief in your eyes. Not that he'd need to. It came through your voice loud and clear. 

You yelped when his suddenly slapped against your ass, the sound echoing around the enclosed space. The sting remaining even when he returned to his task of removing your dress. "If I'd had you wear panties, they'd be in your mouth right now. Granted we are in an office. I'm sure we can find some tape if you need a gag." His thoughtful yet casual tone sent a renewed wave of butterflies through your stomach. 

When he finally pulled the dress over your head he tossed it casually on to a nearby chair. You leaned into him again when his arms came around you, hands moving to your exposed breasts to grope the mounds of flesh in his hands. His fingers moving to tweak your hardened nipples, aided by the chill in the air. You felt the brush of his clothes against your exposed skin, reminding you that he was still fully clothed. It was only his rolled up sleeves that allowed his forearms to occasionally brush against you. 

"Get on the table. Hands and knees." Nudging you forward he stepped back again, waiting for you to comply. You risked a glance over your shoulder but regretted it immediately when his expression darkened. His eyes narrowing in warning. 

Scrambling to obey, you used the added height your heels gave you and climbed as gracefully as you could manage on to the table, shifting on to your hands and knees as he'd asked. The surface was cold and hard against your knees and palms, your cheeks warming when you turned to the side and realized you were on full display through he floor to ceiling windows. Though the few other buildings in sight that were as tall or taller than Kylo's office all appeared to be dark, it was still a thought as unsettling as it was thrilling. 

The touch of his palm against your back drew your attention to Kylo. He pressed down, urging you to arch your back. "Get on your elbows. Ass up." Ignoring the discomfort of the position you again followed his direction, resting your weight on your elbows and leaning back. You flinched as he gripped your hips, moving you into the exact position he wanted you in. You realized he'd been deadly serious about his need for **control**. 

His hand trailed down your spine, a gasp breaking from your lips when you felt his fingers dip into your entrance. Spreading your lips, feeling the warm wetness he'd been the cause of. The lightest brush of his finger against your throbbing clit had you biting into your lip to keep from moaning. Apparently not liking that he pinched your inner thigh, "None of that. I want to hear you, little one. I want to hear _exactly_ what I do to you." 

Hearing the rustle of fabric you turned your head just enough to see him sliding his belt from the loops of his tailored slacks. Your skin tingled with anticipation. Your nerves feeling more _alive_ than ever before. The electricity coursing through your body should have concerned you but you wanted it too badly. Him. The pain you knew he planned to inflict. The pleasure you would derive from it. 

The first lash of the belt across your thighs _hurt_. As did the second. And third. And nearly each one that followed. A moment of indecision plagued you, but his hand pressing against your back, while restraining, was also a comfort. You remembered his words from before. Trust him. Not the fear. It took some effort, but you forced your muscles into compliance, focusing on breathing. On the sensations washing over your body. 

Soon the belt against your thighs and ass became like the touch you'd never known you needed. Your cries of pain morphing to moans of _need_. When the strip of leather landed against your exposed cunt an animalistic noise you didn't even recognize bubbled up in your throat, your limbs nearly giving out. "That's my good girl. Being such a needy little slut for me. Look at you," The belt cracked against your clit again, nearly sending you over the edge, your nails dragging audibly across the surface of the table, desperate for something to cling to. "Scream for me. Let me hear what a brazen whore you are." 

"AH! Fuck!" You cried out again, his taunting only further turning you on. When his name fell from your trembling lips, screaming for more just as he demanded you felt another warm rush of heart between your thighs as his moan of approval. "Please...please let me cum. I'm so...ah! so fucking close." 

Hearing his footsteps was your only warning before his hand was locked around the back of your neck. He leaned down and murmured wickedly in your ear, "I said **nothing** about allowing you an orgasm tonight." 

Disappointment washed over you in waves. Even as the belt cracked across your ass again, you could feel the change in his intent. He wasn't letting you off that easy. Even though your skin was already damp with sweat, your pussy absolutely soaked with need, your pleasure was not his goal. 

At least, not his only goal. 

"Are you upset?" he asked in a tone that was so plainly deceitfully sympathetic you didn't believe it for a second. You swallowed as he removed his hand from your neck, but only for a moment. The hand brandishing the belt soon appeared beside you, working the leather around your throat and pulling it tight, like a collar. He wound the excess around his fist, his free hand delicately stroking your tearstained cheek, "Disappointed? You're going to have to learn to be patient. You're not here for me to get you off and send you on your merry way." 

Your breathless retort, whatever it might have been, was cut off by the sharp jerk of the belt around your neck. He pulled you towards him, nearly making you lose your balance, "Turn to me, then back on your elbows." 

On trembling limbs you shifted into the position he demanded, now facing him, your arms at the edge of the table. Before he could ask, you arched your back again, raising your ass up, assuming that was the position he expected. He gave a short nod of approval before gesturing to his still-clothed groin, "I assume you don't need a diagram?" he asked dryly. 

_Asshole_. 

Thanking the gods that he couldn't hear your thoughts you awkwardly managed to unbutton and unzip his pants. Gravity did the rest for you. They fell to the floor, though he made no move to step out of them. You couldn't help but admire the contours of his muscular thighs as you repeated the process with his boxers. At least until his rock hard erection sprung free, giving you an entirely _different_ view to focus on. You'd fantasized about this very moment in your dreams the night before but even you hadn't imagined he would be that _massive_. 

Noticing your preoccupation, his slid two fingers under your chin, tilting your head up to meet his gaze, "You can touch it. It doesn't **bite**." His expression was more teasing than mocking now, but you had no doubt he expected the same obedience. 

Eye level with his cock, you wasted no time in reaching for him, letting the nail of your index finger lightly trace down his length. You watched him fight a shudder at your touch, leaving you the one fighting a smirk. You wrapped your fingers around him, pumping up and down a few times, watching the tip glisten with pre-cum. Following the same path as your finger, you trailed your tongue along his length before taking the tip in your mouth, looking up at him through your lashes, smug to find his breathing accelerated. 

His hand latched into your hair again, using his grip to push himself deeper into your mouth. A muffled whine mixed with the sound of his groan. The taste of him filled your mouth, sliding down your throat as you began to move faster. His hand in your hair encouraged a faster pace, even as you gagged as his cock slammed into the back of your throat. 

Your eyes watered as he continued to toy with your gag reflex, the belt tight around your neck, making it even more difficult to breathe. Yet even despite the discomfort you could feel your sex continue to throb, desperate to finish what he started. "Just like that," he groaned, tilting his head back in ecstasty. When he looked back at you his gaze roamed over your body, darkening with desire, "You are so fucking perfect." 

Fueled by his praise you relaxed your aching throat, taking in as much of him as humanly possible, the wet sounds of his pleasure filling the room. You trailed your hand down to cup his balls, smiling against him when his cock twitched in your mouth. You could feel his desperation climbing with yours. 

"FUCK!" he cried out. When he came you could see his thighs shake, his loud moan of pleasure wrapping around you like velvet as his hot, salty seed shot down your throat. The hand holding the belt jerked instinctively, entirely cutting off your air supply as you struggled to swallow all of him. Your lungs burning for oxygen; your body still burning for _him_. 

By the time he pulled his softening member out of your mouth black stars were dancing across your vision. A wave of dizziness washed over you, your limbs giving out underneath you. As you collapsed to the hard surface of the table he loosened the belt, allowing you to gasp in much needed air. 

You struggled to keep your eyes open as you felt his hand in your sweat-dampened hair, stroking it back away from your forehead. "Oh little one," he murmured, sounding a confusing mixture of pitying and mocking as he bent and pressed his lips to your cheek, "You didn't think I was finished with you so soon, did you?" 

*****************

**(** a/n **)**

thank you for reading! again, this is a two part first chapter. don't worry, the fun isn't over yet ;) 

please comment/vote and let me know what you think so far! 


	2. Home Part 2

**_TWs_** ; _smut,_ _DUBIOUS CONSENT, degradation, bondage, delayed/denied orgasm, mentions off adultery and illegal activity, drug use, underage alcohol consumption, toxic/dysfunctional relationship, inconsistent/lack of after care, fair warning Kylo is not Mr. Romance._  
  
(a/n); thank you so much for reading my newest fic. please ensure that you have read the TWs in the summary and above, if you are not comfortable with any of these items I ask you read no further. take care of yourselves first <3

the first chapter contains a lot of flashbacks to set up the story, this will not be the structure of future chapters. we will have a few here and there but the story mainly takes place present day. this is also a two part first chapter. 

****************

"Get up."

Easier said than done. Despite the fact that he'd left you wanting, you were exhausted, overwhelmed with so many unfamiliar sensations. Kylo wasn't the first guy you'd given head to or had sex with, but you were used to partners your age. Most of them inexperienced with a singular goal. A quick fuck and an orgasm or two later and it was over in five minutes. None of them had been interested in taking their time. 

Or hurting you. 

But you knew already you could never go back to that. Not after this. You hadn't even had sex with him yet and you knew he'd already gotten in your head. Changed your desires. Your needs. 

Knowing that gave you the energy to push yourself back up on to your hands and knees to face him. His breathing was still somewhat accelerated, but otherwise he appeared unaffected. He still hadn't even bothered to remove his shirt. He reached for you, his thumb smearing remnants of his pleasure across your lower lip. 

He slid the belt off your neck, tilting his head to the side as he studied the mark the leather left behind. Though you couldn't see it, you imagined it was noticeable. Kylo seemed pleased with it. A glance downwards told you he was already getting hard again. "Turn around and put your hands behind your back." he ordered softly, the belt still held in his hands. 

Understanding his intentions your thighs clenched instinctively before you crawled to the position he'd asked; facing away from him you slid your hands behind your back. 

He wasted no time in winding the belt around your wrists tightly, expertly binding them into an unbreakable hold. His hand appeared at the back of your neck again, guiding you down until your cheek rested against the table. His hands gripped your hips, guiding you into a similar position as before, though he urged your thighs apart. The cool air tickling your damp skin. 

You gasped as he abruptly plunged two fingers into your swollen entrance, feeling your heated core. Your breath came shorter as he slowly circled your clit with his finger, "You are a _sight_. Bent over like this, ready to be fucked. Your pretty little pussy nice and wet for me. This gorgeous little ass still pink from my belt." He spoke quietly, almost reverently. 

You felt him shift behind you, unable to tell what he was doing until you saw the flash of a camera in the reflect of the glass windows. He was taking pictures. 

You opened your mouth to protest but your argument turned to a strangled moan as he pressed down roughly on your clit, "These are only for me." Whether you could believe that or not remained to be seen, but in that moment you would have sold them to the devil if it meant the orgasm he'd been denying you. 

Spreading you wider, he snapped a few more pictures before you heard his phone drop on to the surface of the table next to you. 

Your shoulders and wrists were beginning to ache painfully from the position he'd left you in, but you forced yourself not to move. He'd been clear enough in his body language he wanted you exactly as you were. 

"I knew you were perfect for this. I could sense your desire to submit. You're spirited, a fighter in life. I admire that. But you crave subjugation just as much as I need absolute dominance." Before Kylo you would have argued that, assuming that your independence and daring would have translated to the bedroom. Now you knew differently. You wanted him so badly you could have screamed. The idea of giving him absolute power was terrifying, but also intoxicating. You had no reason to trust him with your body but you wanted to. 

You wanted _everything_ you knew he could make you feel. 

"Yes, sir." you mumbled softly in agreement, hearing the longing in your voice. Your eyes briefly closed as he stroked his hand along your spine. 

A mewl of anticipation escaped your lips as he gripped your hips again, pulling you closer to the edge of the table. You felt him move closer, his hips brushing against your ass, his cock poised at your entrance. "Beg for my cock, slut. Tell me how much you want me to fuck you senseless." 

Your cheeks warmed at the thoughts swirling around in your head. Knowing you should have felt some shred of shame for being so eager at his degradation but instead being **excited** by it. "Please, sir. I need you to fuck me. Hard. I need to feel you." Were you not already on your bruised knees you would have gladly thrown yourself on them. 

You jumped at the sharp slap of his hand against your ass, the pain melding with the anticipation. "Good girl." 

He entered you in one smooth thrust, your soaking walls welcoming his length. A breathless moan you barely recognized spilled from your mouth as he began moving slowly, giving you a prolonged moment to adjust to him. Despite how wet you were he was still huge. Seemingly fully capable of tearing you in half. 

As you adjusted he began to pick up speed, his hips grinding against your ass as he plunged into your core. Your nails dug sharply into your palms. You so badly wanted to touch him, to feel his warm skin beneath your fingertips. To rake your nails along his back. 

"You're so tight." He grunted out, hands digging into your hips. You imagined you would have fingerprint sized bruises in the morning. A thought that was dizzyingly appealing. 

After waiting so long you could feel yourself building already, sweat beading on your forehead, your cheek rubbing roughly on the table. His possession was anything but gentle, but you had no interest in fairytales. The darkness that burned within him called to every fiber of your being. 

When his hand reached around you to find your aching clit again you moaned against the table, your breath fogging the surface, "AH! God, yes! Fucking hell, right there. Please!" The pleas tumbled from your mouth, drenched in need. You felt like your skin was on fire, your nerve endings frayed. 

"Not yet." He panted, pulling out and slamming back into you, both of your moans melding together as you jolted forward. Your knees burned with the effort of remaining upright, your bound limbs begging for freedom. His cock jerked again, just as close as you were to coming apart. "Come on this cock _now_. Let me feel you." 

No sooner than he'd spoken you both shattered, your walls clamping around him, his hot seed filling your core. He continued to trust into you as you rode out your orgasm, your screams unintelligible as his deep groans. His hands gripped your hips so tightly the brief flash of pain registered somewhere in the back of your mind, but was swallowed by the overwhelming flood of bliss coursing through your veins. 

When he finally pulled out you were hit by a near instantaneous feeling of emptiness. As if somehow in the span of a few minutes he'd become vital to you. You heard rather than saw him pull his pants back up and adjust his shirt before his deft fingers were undoing the belt around your wrists. When the leather gave way you would have tilted over were it not for him catching you and pulling you back into a sitting position against his chest. 

Still high on the delirium and endorphin rush you struggled to keep your eyes open as he kissed your bare shoulder, an arm around your ribcage to steady you. "You look delicious like this. Sated and sleepy. I'm almost tempted to keep you longer, but I have an appointment. And you have class in the morning." 

Ignoring your whine of complaint he pulled you off the table, steadying you on your feet before moving over to the chair and grabbing your dress. He gestured for you to lift your arms again and you tiredly obliged, letting him slip the thin material back over your body. You could feel the stickiness of him - and of you - on your thighs, but you were too spent to be self conscious. 

"The restroom is two doors down," he directed, guessing at your thoughts. To your surprise he inclined his head and pressed his lips against yours, stealing your breath once again. When he pulled away you felt your knees shake, knowing and scarcely caring what a mess you must have looked like when he studied you, "You did well, duchess. Now go get some sleep. Don't forget to stop at security when you leave." 

With a final, possessive kiss to your forehead he was out the door of the conference room. You heard the main door open and shut again, leaving you alone in his office with nothing more than the smell of sex in the air and the hopeless realization that you were already _addicted_ to Kylo Ren. 

****************

_ Winter 2014 - Spring 2016 _

Your relationship with Kylo after that night remained anything but conventional.

True to his word, he demanded most of your nights and weekends. The occasional afternoon or early morning after you'd given him your class and work schedule. He was insatiable; only slightly more than _you_ were. Though you were technically only fulfilling your obligation to him paying for your tuition, you never dreaded the quiet ping on your phone. A sound you assigned specifically to him.

It wasn't romance. He hadn't promised you hearts and chocolates. But in an odd way it was the most committed relationship you'd ever been in. You kept your word; you didn't so much as go out on a date with another man. Not that it was a sacrifice, half the time you were too delirious with need for Kylo to remember that other people even existed.

You knew other men couldn't give you what Kylo did. 

Maybe it shouldn't have been that way. If anyone realized that you preferred Kylo's brutal possession, near-obsessive need to control, and ever shifting moods to a normal boyfriend who's oddest trait was singing off key in the shower your sanity might have been called into question. But the longer your affair went on, the harder you fell.

You learned more about his job. How he was aiming to make partner at the firm, about the massive amount of pressure Snoke put on him, about his rivalry with another lawyer named Hux fighting for the same spot. The kinds of cases they took were a mixture of high profile and high risk; criminal defense was their area of expertise, and you quickly realized that the clients he'd been entertaining at the club the night you met him barely scratched the surface in the crimes and charges he'd managed to free people from. While he was exceptionally good at what he did, it required punishingly long hours, tense and desperate clients harassing him all hours of the night, and potential safety threats were he ever to fail one of their more colorful defendants.

On top of the job, his home life was far from ideal. It took time, but he eventually began to tell you more about his marriage. At first it made you all the more uncomfortable about your place in his life, but the more he revealed to you, the more you began to realize Kylo wasn't just a typical man uninterested in keeping his vows.

Kylo's marriage, like so many other things in his life, had been about work. Or, more accurately, Snoke. Reyna was his goddaughter. She'd gotten herself into a considerable amount of trouble a few years ago, the majority of unfortunately public. The defense wasn't optimistic, but then Kylo began doing research on the judge and quickly discovered he was tragically traditional if not outright sexist in his personal beliefs. The kind of man who thought that women should be cared for; barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen the ultimate family image.

The kind of man that fell hook, line, and sinker for the story of a troubled young woman who found stability in the arms of a 'good man'. Hux had been the one to act as her attorney since the marriage rendered Kylo a living, breathing conflict of interest. Instead he sat right behind her during the whole trial, making a show of holding her hand and spewing Oscar-worthy lies when he was called to testify as character witness. They managed to get her community service rather than a decade or longer prison sentence.

When you questioned why the marriage didn't end there Kylo had explained that if the judge discovered they'd only married for the sake of winning the case he would have been disbarred for fraud and perjury and the verdict overturned. So they remained man and wife in name only; **detesting** one another a little more each day. You never heard his wife's side of the story, but Kylo 's version was that they were almost too similar. They fed off each other's worst traits. And their differences were irreconcilable. She thought he was moody, selfish, and overbearing. He thought she was spoiled, frigid, and self obsessed.

Though you never said it out loud, you were fairly certain _neither_ of them were wrong.

But you found yourself being pulled further and further into Kylo's orbit all the same. The way he shifted from tenderness to cruelty left your head spinning and your body in a constant state of aching; either for those fleeting kind moments when he made you feel like the duchess he still insisted on calling you, or those late nights when he would summon you to his office full of pent up rage and aggression and the only cure seemed to be taking it out on you.

If you tried to give your 'relationship' a name you supposed it wasn't all too different from a dom/sub dynamic. When you were with him he expected your obedience. Your submission. He demanded absolutely control of your mind, body, and thoughts. You'd struggled with that for a long time. Being an independent, somewhat hot tempered woman the idea initially of bowing down to his every whim called to every rebellious nerve in your body.

But he'd shown you it wasn't what you thought it would be. Yes there'd been punishments, times when he'd torn you down just so that he could rebuild you into what he wanted. But he'd also shown you heights of _pleasure_ you never existed. He gave you countless hours where stress and exams and your job and your future weren't at the forefront of your mind. Times when you didn't have to make all the decisions or be so damned responsible. With him you could leave anything bothering you at the door and simply just _feel_.

It wasn't even always about the sex, though that in itself was worth it. Sometimes he would show up after your shift at the restaurant, leaning against the door of your car when you would come into the parking lot looking like a dark and more handsome version of James Dean. He'd steer you towards the passenger's side, promising a surprise. He'd kiss your cheek and call you 'duchess' and tell you he'd been thinking about you all day and couldn't wait any longer.

After a few months of meeting at his office or various hotel rooms he'd gotten a penthouse suite at a complex not too far from your apartment. It became your space, somewhere neither of you were looking over your shoulders or worried about being seen. A place where he could actually relax. It was in that apartment that you spent your first night with him. An actual night, sleeping in bed together, waking up in his arms instead of stumbling out of his office at 2:00 in the morning.

In all of the ways he could be kind there was a cruelty to match it, and you never quite knew where you stood with him. Even though you knew in the depths of your heart that you were falling in love, even after a year of being with him you sometimes wondered if he felt anything at all. One day you were chasing each other all over the kitchen with whipped cream canisters, spraying them until you ran out and then licking every remnant of the sugary residue off your naked bodies. The next you were splayed across his desk, pulling at unforgiving restraints while he worked you over with a flogger and a cane, not stopping until you were nearly sobbing with overstimulation. Not that you were opposed to the latter - or the seven orgasms that followed - but he never explained even once why his desire to praise or punish you changed without warning.

It was also difficult to maintain a normal life outside of Kylo. Your friends constantly tried to set you up on dates, Rachel was convinced you were in the closet, and while Jace suspected there was something deeper going on never pressed you for details. You felt like you were living two lives, and as graduation loomed only a few weeks away you realized you not only weren't ready to lose Kylo, you wanted him in your real life.

You, maybe selfishly, wanted to gush to your friends about the man who made you feel so inexplicably _wanted_ it was like a drug. You wanted to explain why you kept missing weekend getaways and late dinners out. You wanted to embarrassingly recount to Poe about the time Kylo had you wear a vibrator to class that he controlled remotely and you had to explain to a lecture hall of people why your discussion points on _Dante's Inferno_ ended with a startled moan. 

The two of you had never discussed changing your agreement, or what would happen after graduation and you were technically no longer obligated to him. Nor he to you. It wasn't that you'd never thought it, you just weren't sure how to bring it up. You liked to think he cared about you. Surely if he didn't he wouldn't have kept calling you back after nearly a year a half? Or given you the stunning pendant you wore around your neck nearly every day for your birthday only two months before? It was a teardrop black onyx stone surrounded by diamonds, something that felt like the perfect mix of you and him. It felt significant. Kylo wasn't one for gifts; when he gave them, it meant something.

You were willing to believe it meant you were worth something to him.

But the day you'd finally bucked up the courage to ask him about the future, that familiar ping sounded on your phone. It was a few hours before you were due to meet. You assumed it was some last minute request. It wouldn't be the first time. Only a week before he'd messengered you over a pair of handcuffs and a butt plug with a note telling you to wait in the bedroom for him in nothing but the toys he'd sent.

The moment you picked up your phone you realized it wasn't a request at all.

_K: I know there's technically still a few weeks before you graduate, but I think we can both agree you've more than fulfilled your obligation. No need to come tonight. I hope you'll put your degree to good use. For both our sakes, I think you should pursue a career in a different city. A clean break is for the best. Don't call. Do not return to my office. The penthouse already has a buyer._

****************

But you did call. More than once. Texted. Emailed. You even stormed into his office building one afternoon when you were fed up with him ignoring you but didn't make it past the lobby. Security had been informed you were no longer welcome. A box of your things that had been at the penthouse arrived the same day he'd told you it was over. He was done. Just like that, he was gone, and he expected you to disappear.

The suddenness of it was perhaps what made it so difficult to accept. There was no discussion. No closure. Not even a fucking thank you for your service. It was as simple as one day you had Kylo, and the next day it was like he never existed. He disconnected his number. Changed his email. Barred you from entering the three places you associated with him, the club included. When he said he wanted a clean break he'd meant it.

In some ways you blamed yourself. He'd never promised you anything past graduation. Never outright told you he wanted anything more. All that time you'd spent trying to figure out how to hold on, you should have spent preparing to let go. But you didn't. And as much as you hated the amount of power he had over you considering the way it ended, you were devastated. Heartbroken. You spent a solid three days alternating between crying and raging, letting all of the grief out of your system. Forcing yourself to accept that no matter how royally he'd completely consumed you, it was over.

While still dealing with the fallout you somehow managed to make it through the last few weeks of your education. Your final semester had mostly been spent at an internship at a local clinical research organization, so thankfully you didn't have many finals to get through. Graduation came and went in a blur; the party Jace and Maz, the owner of the restaurant you worked at and the closest thing to a decent mother you'd ever had, had been extravagant and lovingly arranged but you couldn't enjoy it. As many times as you'd pictured that day, for the last 18 months Kylo had always been in the image.

As you began job searching, it coincided with the 'anger' stage of your process of moving on. You weren't going to run away to another city with your tail between your legs. You hadn't been the one to break your vows. And you weren't going to make him feel better by eliminating the chance of running into him on the street one day. If he wanted to leave you there was nothing you could do to stop him, but you were **done** letting him dictate your life.

But then came the _email_.

You would always remember that moment when you opened the email from your doctor as being one of the most defining of your life. The beginning of a **drastic** change.

The email had been marked as urgent, and as you read through the long message detailing the defective batch of birth control you'd been given along with a few thousand other women, you understood why. There was a statement from the manufacturer explaining how the incident had happened, when it was reported, and what was being done to address the situation. The pregnancy test that was offered was free...any prenatal care or termination fees would be paid for.

You'd barely made it to the bathroom before losing the contents of your stomach. You hoped and maybe even said a prayer or two that it wasn't a sign. It was shocking news, surely you hadn't been the only woman to read that notice and feel sick to your stomach. It couldn't be. You _weren't_ pregnant.

But you were.

Five and a half weeks exactly.

Only a day later you sat in your doctor's office, listening to her prattle on about options, prenatal care, adoption, or clinic recommendations if you wanted to terminate. She gushed about how exciting it was that you were beginning a new phase in your life while bringing a new life into the world. She didn't seem to notice that you weren't **sharing** in her joy.

For one because you hadn't even thought about kids at that stage of your life. You were 21. Single. And still scraping your life off the concrete after Kylo had drop kicked you seventeen floors down. You felt like you were barely taking care of yourself; how were you supposed to be responsible for another life? For a baby who would depend on you for everything?

How were you supposed to tell Kylo when he wouldn't even see you?

Unfortunately for him, thanks to his insistence that you see no other men and then ripping your heart to shreds you knew without question he was the father. The idea of Kylo being a parent was almost more disturbing than picturing yourself as one.

But he had a right to know. Even if you had resigned yourself to making the choice alone of what to do, it wasn't right not to tell him. No matter what had taken place between the two of you.

Since your means of communication were so limited you ended up borrowing Rachel's phone and calling his office, telling the receptionist you were interested in securing his services for an upcoming trial. As if you didn't already feel pathetic enough for pursuing him when he so clearly didn't want you, this was to add insult to injury. But humiliating as it was it did eventually work. After being left on hold for a few minutes you heard the line connect followed by the hauntingly familiar sound of his voice, "Kylo Ren."

Conflicting desires to dissolve into tears and scream at him until your lungs gave out flooded you. You realized in that moment that whatever progress you'd thought you'd made in moving on from him had been an **illusion**.

It took you a prolonged moment and more than one deep breath before you managed to speak, "Kylo? It's Y/N. Look I know you told me not to call but I need to tel-"

"Are you fucking serious?" He interrupted, hissing furiously into the phone. You flinched at his tone, at the cold detachment. Even at his angriest you'd never heard him sound like that. "I don't know how I can make this any clearer to you; this is **over**. I don't want you. In any capacity. Stop trying to contact me, it's fucking _pathetic_. Pull a stunt like this again and I'll bury you in harassment suits."

With that he was gone, leaving you with nothing but dial tone and a freshly broken heart.

*****************

_ Winter 2016 - Winter 2020 _

When your daughter was born 8 months later, you didn't regret for even a moment deciding to keep her and raise her on your own. Violet changed your life before she even took her first breath; she was a part of you. A piece of your soul. All of the best parts of you.

After the last time you spoke to Kylo you'd made plans to move that same day, finally taking his advice for a clean break. He was done with you, he'd made that clear, and you were never going to allow the cruelty you finally accepted he was capable of to touch your daughter. You may have signed on for exactly what you got, but she didn't. You weren't going to beg him to love her the way you tried for yourself.

It had taken you no time at all to fall in love with her when she was still safely in your womb. Before you even knew she was a _she_. Even despite the misery of morning sickness, swelling feet, and strange aches and pains that came and went at will. It was all worth it. You took to calling her 'little bean'. Even after you learned the sex. You wanted nothing more than to give her a good life. This little person who would depend on you for everything. You couldn't fail her. 

Though you hated to leave behind your friends, especially Rachel who you still had never been able to bring yourself to tell about Kylo, and Maz, who broke down in tears when you told her you were leaving town and weren't sure you were ever coming back, maybe Kylo had been more right than even he knew when he said it was for the best. You'd been dodging questions for years about where you spent your time, the marks Kylo left on your skin, why you refused to date anyone, rather than continue to lie you were looking forward to a fresh start where no one knew your history.

Though Jace and Poe begged you to move to New York, you weren't crazy about the idea of raising a baby in a busy city. You wanted her to be able to run and play outside with her friends without having to dodge traffic. In the end you ended up settling in a mid-sized city in Connecticut, only about a two hour drive from Jace and Poe. You found a great job with another clinical research organization that was more than happy to let you work from home so you could be there for Violet. You found a house in a small but new subdivision filled with other young families. It allowed you a support system and circle of friends that you were eternally grateful for. Newborns didn't come with instruction manuals.

Maz had shown her support from a afar by co-singing your home loan, telling you that she only wanted the very best for you. She was the only person from your old life that you confessed the whole story to. NDA be damned, it wasn't like she was going to sell the story to the papers. Though you knew she was disappointed in the choices you'd made, she did at least agree that Kylo Ren had **no** place in Violet's life.

You knew were biased, but Violet deserved only happiness for as long as you could give it to her. She was kind and gentle, but spirited and funny. Thoughtful. Intelligent. And easily the most beautiful child you'd ever laid eyes on. Again, biased. But other people often commented the same. Despite her heritage she had long, wavy blonde hair that she loved to have braided into Disney Princess styles you often had to YouTube to even have a chance at imitating. A bright smile. Your nose and cheekbones. Her father's dark amber eyes, fair skin, and rosebud mouth.

She loved art. She would spend all day every painting if you'd let her. She was creative and curious, the kind of child who actually enjoyed museums because there was so much to explore. You liked to think the curiosity had come from you. From the time she was old enough to string words together she had an unending number of questions every day. About everything. But you never minded, you liked that she wanted to understand the world around her. Even when her questions shifted to her father.

Though you had friends who had told their children all sorts of unflattering things about their exes, you made it your personal mission to never badmouth Kylo around her. One day you would owe her the whole truth, and she deserved to have her own opinions. Not a view shaped by your _resentment_. For now, you'd simply told her that her dad had another life to live in a different place, and he would want her to be happy. You hoped that much was true. The idea of anyone regretting or not loving Violet wasn't something you tolerated.

The life you gave her wasn't perfect, but you did everything in your power to make sure she was safe, loved, and allowed to be herself. Surrounded by people who accepted her and valued her. Not that it was difficult to do, but you refused to expose her to the kind of toxic upbringing your parents had subjected you and Jace to. The two of them had never even met Violet. When you'd told them you were expecting your father had called you a worthless slut. You mother simply turned her head away as if she couldn't stand the sight of you. You didn't hear from them again until Violet was nearly 3. They said they wanted to meet their granddaughter and set up a trust fund. Ensure she was ' _taken care of_ '. You knew what it meant. They wanted to try and pull both of you back in with money. When you'd told them you would allow them to meet her but you didn't want their money or 'parenting' advice, they'd never even bothered to respond.

Maz and your boss Mrs. Connelly had sort of teamed up to become Violet's grandparents. Mrs. Connelly had nine grandchildren of her own and was happy to welcome Violet into the fold. Maz on the other hand didn't have any family left and was thrilled to come for visits. Jace and Poe were the best uncles anyone could have ever asked for, they treated Violet like a princess, both of them happily would have stepped in front of moving traffic for her.

Not perfect, but you were proud to say she'd never, and _would_ never, question that she was loved by the people in her life.

There were times when you allowed yourself to imagine what might have been. The kind of future there could have been for you and Kylo. The kind of father he might have been. But you didn't let yourself dwell on it. You couldn't. Whether you cared to admit it or not, the piece of your heart that Kylo had **unwittingly** claimed hadn't been returned to you with the box of your belongings.

Sometimes you thought you wanted him just as much five years later as you had back then.

********************

_ Present Day _

"Mommy, why do people have funerals?" Violet asked you curiously as you helped her from her car seat, holding her hand so she could jump down out of the car. At your last rest stop you'd both changed out of your travel clothes and into something more appropriate for the viewing; a black long sleeved dress with a tutu style skirt and tights for her, a jet black fitted pantsuit for you. You helped her shrug into her puffy white coat before grabbing your bag and heading for the main doors of the funeral home. Eternity Gardens may have had a cheesy name, but the owners had been long time friends of Maz's and had arranged both the closed-casket viewing and the service tomorrow free of charge.

There were a few other people walking across the lot at the same time, many that you were certain you recognized from the restaurant, but you couldn't recall their names. One or two looked curiously at you and then Violet, perhaps having the same sense that they knew you.

"So that people can say goodbye. The people who love you all come together and they remember who you were and share nice stories." You explained, glad that Maz had insisted on a closed casket. You weren't sure how Violet would have reacted to seeing her body. Hell, you weren't sure how **you** would have. You'd done a decent job of holding your grief at bay, but you didn't want your last memory of her to be lying in a coffin. Maz had been sick for a few months, an aggressive form of cancer sapping her life away in the blink of an eye. She hadn't looked like herself in weeks. You knew she would rather everyone remember her alive and well, shouting instructions across the restaurant and swearing she was going to drink the entire reserve of whiskey if the Black Bears disappointed her again.

Inside the funeral home the main lobby was flooded with people. Maz might not have had family, but she'd created one of her own with friends and patrons. You lead Violet off to the side so you could take your coats off and hand them to the girl manning the check in. "Did _all_ these people love grandma Maz?" Violet asked. When you looked down you found her studying the room, seeming awed at the idea that everyone was here for the same purpose. 

Crouching down to her level, you gave her little hand, still wrapped in yours, a small squeeze, "Yes baby. A lot of people loved grandma Maz. Remember how she told you she owned a restaurant? She met lots of people there and they all want to say goodbye to her." You still questioned the wisdom of bringing Violet. Funerals and children were tricky. They deserved closure the same as anyone else, but death was such a foreign concept. You were worried you'd be doing more harm than good. 

But Violet, being herself, gave you the smile that never failed to melt your heart, "I bet she's cooking for all the angels now and making new friends so she won't be lonely." 

Before you could respond a light tap on your shoulder stole your attention. Rising back to your feet you turned and found Rachel, looking both happy and shocked to see you. Her dark brunette hair was longer, but still the coiled curls you remembered. More maturity in the lines of her face, same sparkle in her eyes. She'd always been one of the happiest people you knew, finding the brightness in the darkest places without effort. "I had no idea you were coming, you haven't been home in so long!" Heedless of the occasion she pulled you into a tight hug. Same old Rachel. She'd always been a little sappy, but you were glad to see her. Though you'd kept in touch over the years it had been superficial. "Who's this?" she asked, nodding to Violet. 

And you hadn't told her you had a _baby_. 

In an effort to uphold your part of the NDA and maintain some level of secrecy so people wouldn't put the pieces of the puzzle together you hadn't given many details to anyone over the last few years. When friends checked in you gave them the bare minimum and quickly turned the conversation back to them. Though you and Kylo had been careful, it felt too risky. People had already been asking questions and then you left town so unexpectedly, you were worried someone would put the pieces of the puzzle together. 

Even now, you could see the wheels turning in Rachel's head. 

"This is my daughter, Violet. Violet this is mommy's friend Rachel. We used to be roommates." You explained, just stopping yourself from **cringing** at your too-bright tone. 

Violet cast you a curious look as if she could sense something was off before waving at Rachel, "Hi. I like your pretty dress." Rachel's purple shift dress was some of the only color in the room, you imagined it stood especially for a child who liked to paint with electric colors. 

The suspicion temporarily faded from Rachel's gaze, her expression fading back into a warm smile, "Thank you sweetie," She looked back to you, tears shining in her green eyes. Apparently you were off the hook for the time being for having a cute kid, "She's precious. Now isn't the time, but we need to catch up soon." She said pointedly, letting you know it was in fact temporary. If anyone were to figure it out, your money was on Rachel. She'd been your roommate the entire time you were with Kylo. Though she'd never seen you two together to the best of your knowledge she was privy to a lot of details other people hadn't been. 

"Some time soon." You promised, hoping you would be back in Connecticut by then and you could give her a cover story via email. 

With a wave of her own she blended back into the crowd. A line had started forming to get to the main room. Since there wasn't a family to do any kind of receiving line, the owners had set up a room filled with pictures and memories of Maz for everyone to walk through.

Ushering Violet towards the line you hoped it would move quickly. If you'd come alone you might have been more willing to stand around and chat, but you were beginning to feel like every eye that drifted past you had the same questioning look in their eyes. Plenty, you were sure, just wondering what you were doing back in town after so long. But when they noticed Violet at your side you could almost hear the mental math being computed in the air. 

Mercifully the line did move fairly quickly. Apparently the building was close to 100 people over capacity so the owners were diligent in keeping the crowd moving before the fire department showed up. You ran into several more familiar faces - friends, old classmates, people you used to serve at the restaurant - but no one seemed quite as suspicious as Rachel had. Most probably just assumed Violet was younger than 4 and that you'd finally met someone worth dating. 

Once again Violet was a trooper, greeting people with smiles and waves. It had been nearly half an hour before she asked to play her Barbie game on your phone, and you happily handed it over. You could only expect her to stand and chat for so long. 

You realized quickly that you and Violet had been pretty close to the end of the line. By the time you walked into the grand room where everything had been set up, there were only a handful of people left. Though you'd begin to get impatient, you were glad you'd come in the end. 

The room was like a dedication to Maz. They'd found pictures from her childhood all the way until a few months ago. Plenty you'd never seen. Her prom pictures. Halloweens as a child, dressed as everything from Mary Poppins to a dinosaur. Her graduation pictures. Her first day as a waitress at the restaurant she would one day buy. Road trips with her sister who had passed away a few years before. Pictures of her screaming in the stands at a Black Bears game. Officiating a wedding for a local couple who almost hadn't been able to get married because their priest had food poisoning. On the deck of a cruise ship. At the grand canyon. Holding many peoples' first babies. Gambling in Vegas. At Harry Potter World, a mug of butterbeer in hand. 

She'd lived a long, full life, but you were still _heartbroken_ that she was gone. 

Violet trailed after you, no longer interested in your phone. She gazed up at the pictures, sometimes smiling, others asking questions. There was a staff photo from about 6 years ago that she found where you and Maz stood next to each other, arm in arm, and you saw a tear roll down her cheek. "I miss grandma Maz." she said sadly, her little finger reaching up to touch Maz's frozen face. 

Wiping a tear off your own cheek, you stroked the top of her head, feeling the softness of her hair, "I know baby. I do, too." 

"Duchess?"

You froze. 

You'd know that voice, **his** voice, anywhere. 

You turned, completely clueless as to what to do, to find the room completely empty. Except for Kylo. He stood a few feet away, seeming surprised, but not upset to see you. Somehow he looked nearly the same as the last you'd seen him; still devastatingly handsome. Maybe more muscular as if he'd been spending more time at the gym. His hair a little shorter and a few shades darker. Otherwise it seemed time had no effect on him at all. 

You knew the same couldn't be said for you. Five years had done a lot for you. Your hair was cut differently and better styled. You had the budget to dress like a grown, successful woman rather than a struggling college student. You'd put more effort into fitness after Violet was born, taking self defense classes in addition to working out regularly. To you it wasn't a drastic change, but to him you imagined you didn't look much like the girl he knew before. 

You could feel your heart hammering in your throat, panic beginning to sink in. It was like being a deer caught in headlights. You had no idea whether to grab Violet and run or lie or make an excuse. Pretend not to know him. Pull a fire alarm. There was no protocol in place for this moment. Even though you knew coming back to the city there would be a chance of running into him somewhere, Maz's funeral was supposed to be a safe zone. What the hell was he doing here? 

He opened his mouth to speak but then his gaze drifted down to Violet who had just turned around with you. He seemed to be noticing her for the first time. Confusion marred his features at first, but the longer he looked at her, and then began to look between Violet and you, surprise morphed slowly to shock before making way for some cross between **disbelief** and anger. 

"Mommy, who's that man?" Violet asked you, looking as confused as Kylo had just been. She tugged on your sleeve, realizing that something was wrong. 

As you struggled to find some way to explain what was happening to your daughter, Kylo took a step closer, his gaze still shifting between the two of you, "How _old_ is she?" he asked quietly, though the desperation in his eyes told you he was feeling nearly as panicked as you were. 

The two of them continued to look at you, waiting for answers with their matching eyes and identical pinch between their brows. 

Fuck. 

********************

**(** a/n **)**

aaannnnd that concludes chapter 1 O___O

please please please comment and vote, I'm dying to hear what you guys think of the story so far! I've put so much plotting into this story, there is soooo much more to come. 

just to note, Violet is based off of Jophielle Love's character on _General Hospital_.

thank you for reading! until next time <3


	3. Finality

TWs; death, loss/grieving, toxic/dysfunctional relationship, dub-con, minor violence, blood.   
  
  


***********************   
  
  


You'd purposefully never given much thought to the resemblances between Violet and Kylo. Not just psychically, but in any other sense. It was easier that way. When you caught yourself thinking of the dark amber shade of her eyes when she would peek up at you, you searched your memory for every family member in your history who might have passed along the dominant trait. When she would get lost in her own little world, bent over her artwork with that familiar pinch between her brows you attributed it to the influence of her friends or something she'd seen on TV.

When Kylo excommunicated you from his world it wasn't an option to let him break you. Your feelings were not more important than Violet's future. Her happiness. You mourned him exactly once, and then you told yourself he was the past. Nothing to you but a heartbreak and a loan you'd never been forced to repay; nothing to Violet but a sperm donor.

But now, standing in front of the two of them, you wondered how you'd ever managed to convince yourself she wasn't just as much _him_ as she was you.

Denying it felt almost comical. Though she didn't have his dark hair and broodiness there was something distinctly Kylo in her gaze. A seriousness. Something enthralling. The only difference was that hers had been channeled into something light and good. But the essence was still there. The longer Kylo looked between you and Violet, you wondered if he could sense it as keenly.

"We're leaving," you announced abruptly, unsure of which of them you were talking to. Maybe both of them. Heedless of Violet's confusion you grabbed her hand and pulled along behind you, following the familiar path you'd just come from with the line of mourners. You ignored her questions, and Kylo calling your name as he tailed behind you. Your determination to escape the building, the city, the **state** if that was what it took overrode any concern you had for scaring her with your reaction. You would explain later.

Apparently you'd stayed long enough that the girl who'd been checking coats at the door had already vacated for the night; yours and Violet's coats sat on the desk in front of the closet. You would have happily developed frostbite for the cause of escaping Kylo, but you didn't want Violet anymore unsettled than she looked now.

You helped her shrug into her coat as quickly as possible, pulling it up and zipping it up her chest. The wide-eyed look she gave you was enough to break your heart; it felt as though within the span of a minute you'd shattered the safe little world you'd created for her. Bringing Violet, coming here at all had been a mistake. Maz would have forgiven you. One of the few things you'd agreed on over the last few years had been that Kylo couldn't be allowed to hurt Violet. The touch of her little hand against your cheek before you could straighten back to your feet would have ordinarily warmed you; in the moment it ignited every protective instinct in your body.

You would have taken a bullet for her without a second thought; this was no different.

"Mommy why are you scared?" she asked in a voice just above a whisper, her gaze shifting from you to Kylo, who was now standing uncomfortably close. The toe of his shoes mere inches from you. Though Violet was too young to understand fully what was happening, she was intuitive enough to sense that Kylo was the cause of your distress.

It took Herculean effort to give her as reassuring a look as you could manage. If it was just you, the sight of Kylo might have broken you. Seeing his impossibly handsome face again, hearing him call you 'duchess', it was the worst kind of pain; the kind you'd fooled yourself into thinking you'd recovered from, but instead it was lying in wait to torment you again. But your agony would have to wait, "I'm not scared, baby. Everything is fine. I just realized how late it was. We need to go get dinner and get you to bed." _And get the fuck away from Kylo_.

Still ignoring Kylo's presence hovering over you, you rose unsteadily on your heels, her hand in yours, and headed for the door again.

A plan interrupted by his hand wrapping around your wrist.

You looked first to his hand on your arm, eyes narrowing at the tightness of his grip. He had no intentions of letting you go so easily. When you met his gaze the intensity of his stare, the stark alarm and anger boiling beneath the surface you knew this was far from over. "You're not going anywhere until you explain what's going on." He snarled under his breath, eyes shifting only once from yours to Violet, a rare flash of uncertainty in his expression. Confident as he was in his world, you were willing to bet children were a foreign concept to him.

Whether the self defense lessons were paying off, or his shock worked to your advantage, you were able to twist your wrist out of his hold. Refusing to cower from him you took a step closer, lowering your voice in hopes Violet wouldn't hear your return growl, "Touch me like that in front of my daughter again and no **lawsuit** in the world will keep me from tearing your throat out with my _teeth_." You didn't stay to enjoy his stunned expression, much as you might have wanted to.

Moving quickly you lead Violet out the door, the blast of frigid air helping to clear your overcrowded thoughts. The walk across the parking lot felt like a thousand miles, but you eventually reached your Honda HRV sitting alone in the lot aside from a black Jag sitting several spaces away that you didn't have to question belonged to Kylo. Once you had the backdoor open and Violet climbed inside you spared a glance over your shoulder. Kylo wasn't following you, thankfully, but he stood in the doorway of the funeral home, watching you closely. Phone at his ear.

Much as you wanted to run to the driver's seat you forced yourself to stay calm, buckling Violet in and shutting her door before climbing into your own seat. But when you started the car and turned the headlights on Kylo was gone.

You breathed a sigh of relief as you left the lot, a few snowflakes drifting across the windshield. You took a final glance in the rearview at his car, knowing if Violet weren't with you would have gladly crashed yours into it until it was nothing more than a scrap of twisted metal.   
  
  


**********************   
  
  


"Do we get to say goodbye to grandma Maz again tomorrow?"

You paused, your phone in hand as you mapped out your route home. You'd already decided on the drive to your hotel that you and Violet would be leaving the same night. Though Kylo hadn't pursued you, you weren't naïve enough to think that leaving him without a forwarding address would offer much protection. It might have been nearly five years since you'd seen him, but the world hadn't changed that much. Kylo was still powerful, more now than you assumed he'd been before, with more resources than he knew what to do with. Your entire life structure had been built on secrecy, not fighting him outright.

Beating yourself up for coming to the funeral at all had become your newest never-ending habit. Logically you knew there was no perfect solution; you never would have forgiven yourself for missing Maz's funeral after everything she'd done for you, but depending on the consequences of your actions there may have been no redemption for the alternative, either.

After fleeing the funeral home your plan had been simple; check in at the hotel, get Violet some dinner and a bath, then pack her back in the car and drive through the night home. Where you went from there was still a mystery, but you would at least feel safer and better prepared in your own home than a hotel.

The problem was you'd only just gotten Violet to stop watching you like a ticking time bomb. She'd been silent the entire ride to the hotel, speaking only once when you asked her what she wanted for dinner from a drive through. But she watched you in the rearview mirror constantly, that little pinch between her brows refusing to go away. When you'd helped her out of the car she clutched on to your hand like a lifeline; at the desk when you needed both of yours she wrapped herself around her leg. Something she hadn't done in years.

You knew your reaction to Kylo had scared her. In all her life the strongest reaction she'd ever seen from you had either been for celebratory causes or in the case of the few emergencies she'd witnessed or been a part of. Seeing you so openly hostile had more of an affect on her than Kylo himself. To her, he was just another stranger in a sea of new faces.

And that's exactly what he would stay if you had anything to do with it.

The problem was, you'd told Violet about the two-day funeral proceedings. It had been in an effort to prepare her for what was to come. Now you could kick yourself for the lack of foresight. "I think we're going to go home tonight, Vi." Maybe someday you could bring her back to the graveside. For instance, once you had confirmation Kylo was a solid thousand miles away.

Looking up from the small table where she was finishing off the last of her fruit cup, her face fell, "But mommy we have to go! Don't you want to tell grandma Maz bye?"

The way she asked, so plaintive, and so visibly hurt was like a knife straight to your heart. For a brief moment you wished she hadn't developed such a big heart at such a young age; presently, it wasn't doing either of you any favors.

Sighing, you set your phone down on the bed and walked over to the table, sitting down in the chair next to her. "Of course I do. And we will. But we can say goodbye anywhere. It doesn't have to be here for grandma May to know we miss her." If only you'd gone with that story before packing the car and driving straight into the shitshow that had become this ill-fated visit.

Once again your attempts to make a funeral non-traumatic for her was coming back to bite you. Violet frowned, wheels visibly turning in her head as she tried to make sense of her argument. For a child who hadn't even started kindergarten she was remarkably adept at not only coming up with reasonable arguments, but defending her opinion until you either relented or came to a compromise.

You tried exceedingly hard not to think about where she'd gotten that from.

"You said that people go to funerals to...to remember people and talk about memories together." She struggled to recall your exact explanation, a fact that clearly frustrated her, but she pushed on. She knew the point she wanted to make. "We have to go. What if we forget grandma Maz?"

"That won't happen, baby. I just meant that's something people do at funerals. We can talk about her as much as we want and I can tell you all about my memories of her." The stress of the day was beginning to wear on you. You were exhausted, fighting a migraine, and now trapped in a cycle of anxiety that tonight was only a glimpse of what was to come.

"But I want to say goodbye, mommy!" Violet pleaded, the confusion and stress clearly fueling her too. Tears filled her eyes as she pushed away the remains of her dinner, sending the empty cup and plastic fork to the thinly carpeted floor. At first you thought she was building to a rare - but not impossible - tantrum, but instead she climbed off her chair and flung herself into your arms, her little body shaking with sobs, "I want grandma Maz."

Internally cursing Kylo Ren to the deepest pit of hell, you pulled her on to your lap, rocking her gently as she cried into your shoulder, "I know. I do too."   
  
  


******************   
  
  


"Maz was an unforgettable woman. A friend to everyone except food critics and people who drove five miles under the speed limit. Life wasn't always kind or fair to her, but she found a way to rise above it. To help people. To give people that second chance no one else would give them. To make people feel like they mattered. In the world we live in those gifts are no small thing; and no one will ever be able to fill the large hole she's leaving in our community."

You stood on the outskirts of the crowd on the left side; able to see the elderly pastor delivering his eulogy, but positioned so that if you needed to make a quick exit you wouldn't have to navigate through a crowd of people.

You'd been plagued with unbearable anxiety for hours. Ever since you realized that you couldn't convince Violet that skipping the graveside service was a good idea. How could you convince a grieving child who didn't even begin to comprehend death that you were depriving her of closure because you were desperate to keep her from absentee father who may or may not have been pursuing you.

A part of you hoped that it would end with your run in the night before. After all, Kylo had been perfectly clear with you years before that he didn't want you. Hell, he threatened you out of his life. You had no reason to think he ever would have had any interest in a child in general, much less with you. And even if he did, would you have considered welcoming him into Violet's life?

As consumed as you'd been with Kylo, as much as you knew you'd fallen for him, he'd never been healthy. Or stable. Despite his assurances that he and his wife all but hated one another, they were still married with no end in sight. His affection for you was so mixed with cruelty you'd never even fully understood how he felt about you. And had it not been for the money, would you have ever seen him past that first night?

Hardly ideal father material.

The day you'd tried to tell him about your pregnancy had been both your final attempt, and your sign that a family of three in any form **wasn't** in the cards.

You had no reason to think that Kylo would feel any other way, but you couldn't get his expression out of your head. The furious way he'd looked at you when he began to put the puzzle together; the panic and hesitation as he studied Violet. Surely he didn't actually want to meet her. He was more than likely just scared you would create a scandal. His non-marriage was somewhat public, his reputation clearly a priority. It wouldn't look good for a high profile lawyer to be tagged as a deadbeat father and cheating spouse.

Yet, even despite your rationalization, you couldn't help but do another sweep of the gravesite. Maz's was the only service being conducted that day so there was only a lone tent set up over her plot. The crowd in attendance was smaller than the night before, but still sizable, spreading out in all directions. The temperature had warmed some with the sun shining overhead, but the wind still held a chilly bite. Though it wasn't quite winter the frigid weather was clearly on the way.

But thankfully still no sign of Kylo.

Though nearly everyone in the crowd wore black, you knew he would tower over them. You didn't know how he would have known the time or location of the service - to the best of your knowledge he'd only met Maz once or twice when the two of you were together and it had been fleeting - but you weren't going to take any chances.

When you and Violet had arrived - she in another black dress with a sparkling skirt she'd insisted on wearing and tights, you in a long sleeved black sweater dress with knee high black boots - Rachel had come to find you immediately. The two of you hadn't exchanged more than greetings and a few pleasantries but she remained close. At first you assumed to be ready to give you the third degree, but she seemed oddly protective. Standing between you and the open graveyard as if shielding you. In moments when your thoughts distracted you beyond attention, you found her speaking quietly to Violet or entertaining her with pictures on her phone.

You'd never been more grateful for her friendship, even if you _dreaded_ the questions you knew she would ask.

As the pastor wrapped up his speech and moved aside so the casket could be lowered into the ground, you felt Violet tug on your hand. You glanced down and she gave you a worried look, "She's in heaven with the angels, right?"

Realizing she was looking between you and the disappearing casket you nodded, giving her a reassuring squeeze, "She's not in there." Not in any way that mattered. You were careful not pass any sort of religion on to her - whatever she decided to believe in was for her to decide, not you - but her preschool teacher had told her about angels in an attempt to offer her some comfort. And you'd rather Violet have the image of Maz cooking for a room full of angels in the clouds than nothing at all. Or worse, just remember a wooden box being dropped into the ground.

The crowd began to disperse soon after, moving towards the procession of parked cars. There was a reception being held at Maz's restaurant, but that you had no intentions of attending. And thankfully you hadn't mentioned it to Violet. With the funeral over you intended to leave town as quickly and quietly as possible; your bags were already packed and in the back of your car.

"Violet, I have a fun dress up game on my phone, would you like to play?" Rachel asked beside you. Turning her way, you noted her meaningful expression; she wasn't going to let you run off without demanding answers.

Without second thought at the offer of anything that involved dress up, Violet happily took Rachel's phone and went to sit on one of the vacated folding chairs nearby. Attention already solely absorbed in the game. You could still keep a close eye on her, but she was far enough away you doubted she would hear your voices if you spoke quietly enough.

"It's Moira's favorite," Rachel explained, stepping closer and lowering her voice as you'd hoped. Moira was her oldest and only daughter. In another life, she and Violet probably would have been friends. They were only about a year apart in age. To some extent you wished years ago when Rachel had announced her pregnancy that you'd come clean, but considering the events that unfolded the night before you were still convinced you'd done the right thing. "When were you going to tell me you had a child, Y/N? We've been friends for years, how could you keep that a secret?"

Hurting Rachel had never been your intention. And it wasn't as if you didn't trust her with the truth, but at the time it hadn't seemed fair to force her to keep your secrets. Nor safe to reveal details to anyone in general. That was just the nature of secrets, the more people you tell, the more of a chance it all falls apart.

Sighing, you reached out and squeezed her arm, "It had nothing to do with you, Rach. Really. There's just so much I couldn't tell anyone. Technically that I still can't tell anyone." The NDA Kylo had drawn up had been exceedingly thorough. There was no expiration date, nor stipulations about being more forthcoming with friends. And after he'd threatened you with a lawsuit you didn't think it wise to push your luck.

"This is about **him** , isn't it? The guy you were seeing in school?" At your surprised expression she rolled her green eyes, brushing her dark hair over her shoulder before fixing you with a frank look, "I know you thought you were fooling everyone, but we lived together. You were stupid head over heels for someone for months, and I heard you on the phone with him a few times. I assumed you would tell me when you were ready, but then I guess it ended around the time we graduated?"

You could have kicked yourself for underestimating her so much. She was too smart not to have figured at least a few things out. No matter how careful you tried to be your affair with Kylo had gone on for a year and a half. It was a long time to keep a secret.

"He ended it. Badly." You stipulated, doing your best to keep the resentment from your tone. Though it had been years, you so seldom talked about it that sometimes the cruelty still haunted you. And you worked so hard not to poison the vague picture Violet had in her mind of her father than the end result had been you shoving down the majority of your feelings. Glancing over at her, feeling a small flash of relief she was still contentedly playing the game on Rachel's phone, you sighed, "It ended before I found out I was pregnant. You remember that big class action suit several years back on that bad batch of birth control? Well, I was one of the lucky recipients. I tried to tell him about her but he didn't want anything to do with me. In fact he threatened me with a harassment suit and hung up before I could even get more than a sentence in. Maybe it was wrong or selfish but I couldn't stand the idea of him being cruel to her. And his life was - maybe is still - complicated."

Complicated.

Married. Working with lowlife criminals. Emotionally unavailable with raging control issues.

To your relief, she didn't look angry or judgmental. In fact, she looked furious. But not with you. Rachel looked between you and Violet before shaking her head, "I knew you weren't okay. I mean no one is after a break up but you looked like someone had ripped your heart out and stomped on it. You were so miserable at graduation and it made no sense because you worked so damn hard to walk across that stage."

It hadn't occurred to you how you must have looked to your friends after the breakup. Not that you really would have cared in the stupor of misery, but you should have at least known it would only help the people closest to you see the truth.

Even though you felt that old stab of shame that you'd let Kylo have his way with you for eighteen months in exchange for the money you needed to graduate - shame, by the way, that you never felt until he threw you away like garbage - you wanted to tell Rachel the whole story. The problem was that the money and every detail of the arrangement was covered under the NDA. And if Kylo somehow found out that you'd been exposing his secrets you had no doubt after seeing the anger in his eyes the night before that he would retaliate.

"It's ancient history. I just wanted a better life for her than that. So I gave her one. I ended up telling Maz a lot about what happened. Please don't give me grief, you know she was like my mom," you held a hand up when Rachel opened her mouth to interrupt, clearly offended that Maz got the unabridged version of the story years before she did. "She helped me make a safe, happy life for Violet. I owed her everything. Violet loved her. I felt like it was wrong not to come...but he showed up last night."

The widening of her eyes told you that even without the whole story she understood the gravity of the situation. How terribly wrong things had gone because you'd made the mistake of assuming you could avoid Kylo.

Shaking her head, she followed your gaze to Violet, "I've never met the guy but anyone who broke you the way he did has no business around that little girl." The venom in her voice both surprised and touched you. Even after a few years of less-than-stellar contact she happily would have gone to war for you. It made you feel all the more guilty that you hadn't found a way of being more honest.

"Y/N."

For the second time in less than twenty four hours the sound of Kylo's voice turned your blood to ice. Both you and Rachel whirled around at the same time to find Kylo standing a few yards away. It shouldn't have surprised you, you'd often wondered when you were together how he managed to move so silently despite his massive size.

But unlike in those days when his quiet approach left you breathless with anticipation, now it left you somewhere between terror and rage.

Rachel, once again being intuitive, didn't seem to need verbal confirmation that Kylo was the man you'd been discussing. She didn't even spare him a glance. Instead she gave you a quick nod, "I'll stay with Violet." She mouthed a quiet ' _call me if you need me_ ' before walking over to the tent, trying to stay in Violet's field of vision so if she looked up she wouldn't see Kylo.

Immensely grateful for her, and increasingly furious at Kylo for making another unannounced visit even though you'd been waiting for that very moment since before you'd even arrived, you quickly crossed the grassy distance between the two of you. Grabbing his wrist, heedless of the cuff lengths poking out from his sleeves that probably cost more than a week in your hotel, you lead him towards the small brick reception hall that was located only a handful of yards away from the gravesite. He followed willingly enough, though he slid his wrist from your grip, clearly not wanting to be ordered around in any fashion.

When you yanked open the door you found the small room dark and quiet. The room was empty, chairs staked along the walls. You imagined it was a space utilized if the weather didn't allow for an outdoor service. It probably wasn't even a space you were allowed to use, but you didn't have the time or interest in figuring that out. All you knew was that it was out of sight and earshot of Violet.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" You demanded, rounding on him the moment he was through the glass fronted door.

"Watch your fucking _mouth_." He snarled at you just as viciously, letting the door close behind him with a quiet hiss. If your outburst had any affect on him he gave no indication. Though you'd seldom raised more than an eyebrow at him since that first time in his office, your anger didn't seem to register in the face of his own. "You show up here after five years with a kid and you _dare_ to question me?"

You crossed your arms, refusing to acknowledge his justifications for outrage. You weren't the one who put all this in motion. "Last I checked you're not paying me to swallow your bullshit anymore." Or anything else for that matter. Though even furious with him and terrified of the disasters he had the potential to cause, being this close to him again was wreaking havoc on your equilibrium. The scent of his cologne bringing back a flood of unwelcome memories. "Coming back here had nothing to do with you. If seeing me is such a chore for you you could have just walked away. We both know you're good at it."

"If I were still paying you to swallow you'd be bent over a chair and begging right now." He quipped dryly, something akin to satisfaction flashing in his eyes at the slight warming of your cheeks. But any lesser emotion was quickly overshadowed by a fresh wave of anger, "Don't change the subject. I saw the way you reacted last night. Tell me what's going on. Without the bullshit this time."

You wondered if your reaction had been different, had you casually dismissed him, would he still be this suspicious? Somehow you doubted it. While infuriating and arrogant, Kylo definitely wasn't stupid. Seeing Violet's age would have still caused doubt; seeing the similarities between the two of them would have sealed your fate.

"The only thing 'going on' is a funeral for someone you barely knew that you've now interrupted twice. You can add scaring a little girl to your list of accomplishments, too." Deflection was only a short term solution, and you began to feel a twinge of nervousness. Your palms sweating as you tried to reason out the least damaging course of action. Though you'd lied awake for hours the night before puzzling over it, was there really a good solution?

Outright telling him the truth might have spared you the first degree, but then what? Hope he would be okay with having a child walking around in the world, a living, breathing reminder of his infidelity? Could you stomach the idea of having him resent her? Hate her?

Still intensely focused on you, he narrowed his eyes, "Have you forgotten what I do for a living? Stonewalling isn't going to save you." His gaze drifted briefly from yours to the gravesite, watching Violet and Rachel play a game of tag. The phone must not have been enough of a distraction. When Kylo looked back to you his expression was more troubled; oddly you got the sense he was seeking reassurance. "You were on birth control when we were together. Unless..."

You'd thought back more than once on the topic over the years. Though you'd confirmed to Kylo on multiple occasions that you were on the pill and had for the first few months sent him receipts from your pharmacy - yet another of his controlling demands - he hadn't asked for proof much beyond then. Even though the lawsuit against the pharmaceutical company had been fairly well known, you doubted Kylo ever connected the dots. What man would remember the brand of birth control their partner used over a year later?

Which lead you to believe the suspicion he now regarded you with didn't have anything to do with him connecting the dots to faulty birth control. "Unless _what_?"

Taking a step closer to you, towering over you in a way that still made your heart pound in your chest, he proved once again he was capable of the coldest of cruelty, "Unless you stopped taking it. The end of our arrangement was looming and there were no plans to end my marriage. Was that your plan? To try and trap me? Spreading your legs like a common whore so the payouts would continue-"

Your hand stung from the force of the sharp slap you delivered to his cheek, but you barely registered the pain. You saw red as his head snapped to the side, shock and fury playing in his eyes. If he'd thought you incapable of violence - or maybe just the backbone to stand up for yourself - he knew better now.

"Do you even **hear** yourself?" You demanded, refusing to back down as he took another threatening step towards you, your own anger at his accusation overruling self preservation, "If I'd been trying to 'trap you' why would I up and disappear? You really think threatening a harassment suit would have mattered?" The slight pinch between his brows assured you he couldn't argue with the logic; though you were sure he'd seen his fair share of gold digging in his career, it had been a ill-thought out cheap shot at your character. "Anything else you'd like to accuse me of while you're on a roll?"

"Fine, so it wasn't a ploy for money. That still doesn't explain anything!" You watched his fists clench at his sides. It was no secret to either of you that he had a temper. That he seldom knew how to control it. It was one the reasons he claimed to need you before. Someone he didn't have to pretend around; someone to absorb the passion and fury. You'd come to be equally addicted to them both. But this wasn't the aftermath of a stressful trial or another fight with Reyna.

His world was teetering on the edge and you were the cause of knocking it off its perfectly organized axis.

Before you could respond he paced away from you, dragging his hand roughly through his hair. You'd seen him lose control before, but you couldn't recall ever thinking for a second that he looked vulnerable until now.

"How old is she?" he repeated as he paced the length of the room, impatient with your lack of response. He pulled off his suit jacket as he walked, tossing it on to one of the stacks of chairs. His fair cheeks were flushed with heat, the spattering of freckles across his cheekbones standing out more starkly. You swallowed as he rounded on you, eyes wide and chest rising and falling rapidly with his uneven breath. Coming to a stop just in front of you his hands rose to grasp your shoulders, refusing to allow you to turn from him, "Why does she look like _me_?"

You expected anger. Resentment. Maybe fear. But you hadn't prepared yourself for the raw emotion he so readily exposed to you. You had braced yourself for the former. You hadn't allowed yourself to dream of any other outcome. This side of him reminded you too much of the part of him that had once made you feel treasured. Wanted. Invincible. The calm to balance his chaos.

Much as you hated giving him any of your heart after what he'd done, you couldn't prevent the tears that pooled in your eyes, "You know why." He did. You knew he did. Somewhere deep down you were certain he'd known since the moment he laid eyes on her the night before. "You're her father."

You barely had time to blink before he was pushing you back, your back colliding with one of the few clear spaces of the wall. He kept you pinned there, one arm moving to lock across your collarbone, the other fiercely gripping your chin in a bruising grasp. He forced you to meet his wide-eyed gaze, a million emotions splaying across his face, "How the fuck did this happen?" You both glanced towards the door again at the sound of Violet's high pitched scream of delight followed by a trail of giggles. Completely oblivious to the catastrophe taking place only a few feet away.

When Kylo looked back at you you were certain you could see hurt in his eyes, "It's been almost five years. You were just going to hide this forever?"

Perhaps someone more selfless could have reacted with more grace, but his lack of accountability was too much for you to ignore. You struggled to free yourself from his grasp, but he only held you tighter, his grip on your chin long past painful. "I tried to tell you! Even though by that point you'd already made it perfectly clear you never wanted to see me again, I tried again. You wouldn't even let me get two words out of my mouth about the fault batch of faulty birth control before you were threatening me. What was I supposed to do? Have it printed on a billboard outside your office?"

"A phone call? That's the extent of your **tireless** efforts?" He demanded, his brows rising, unimpressed with your explanation. Indignant with the perceived unfairness.

But once again, his memory of events seemed to have failed him. You shoved against him more violently, your hands slamming against his chest, "You ripped my heart out with a fucking text and you think you have any right to ask more of me? I tried _everything_ but you refused to give me the time of day. And you know what? That kid deserved _better_ than you! I wasn't going to let her ever feel unwanted or end up on the receiving end of your mood swings!"

Finally managing to muster enough strength you tore away from him, ducking under his arm and immediately putting several feet of distance between you. But he didn't pursue you. Instead he launched himself forward, fist drawing back and slamming against the wall. His fist broke through the drywall, a small cloud of white dust punctuating his fury.

"You stupid, naive little girl!" He roared, seemingly oblivious to his now bloodied knuckles, "I didn't have a c-" Abruptly he cut himself off, lips pursing into an angry, flat line. Wherever he'd been going he clearly had no intention of continuing. Instead he shook his head, glaring at you but remaining rooted on the spot, "My decision to walk away from an arrangement that was due to end anyway doesn't give you the right to withhold information that could have had catastrophic effects on _both_ of our lives."

"There was **no** effect on your life! I left, I never asked you for a _dime_ and I'm never going to. We're not your problem, Kylo. So walk out and go on with your life. Forget we exist, and we'll do the same." You yelled back, trying not to let the agony of his renewed dismissal break you. You were _not_ giving him the satisfaction of knowing he still had power over you.

" _That's_ your solution? You disappear with the daughter you never bothered to mention I have running around and I take your word for it this never comes back to bite me in the ass?" He scoffed loudly, the roll of his eyes clearly indicating his lack of willingness to follow your suggestion. You had no doubt his thoughts had turned to the legal ramifications; worried that in your spite you would demand child support and his illicit affair with you would become public record.

At least, that was your initial assumption.

When he looked to you again there was less anger in his eyes and more _hurt_ than you ever would have expected. "I don't even know her name."

You nodded slowly, acknowledging his point, but reluctant to give him any more than you already had. This dilemma had haunted you since before Violet was born; the possibility of the realities and potential damage of letting Kylo in. If he knew her name, surely then he would want to know more. Meet her, at least. But how long would it be before he walked away? Or turned his anger on Violet? And how could you expect a four year old to deal with the damage he was capable of inflicting when you still carried the gaping wound?

"Answer me this," you murmured after a few long moments of silence between the two of you, tension so thick in the air it could have been cut with a knife. You stepped closer, eyes never leaving his, "If you'd taken my call that day, would you have been happy? Would you have wanted her?"

The silence following your question was deafening. Kylo, while still clearly angry and distraught, didn't have such an expedient reply. Neither of you were stupid enough to think the answer to that question, at least the first, was yes. As complicated as his life had been and probably still was, hearing that his ex fling was pregnant with his child wouldn't have had him throwing a party.

As to whether or not he would have wanted her, or told you to terminate the pregnancy, his wishes had ceased to matter when you realized there was a little life inside you who mattered more than either you or Kylo.

"Don't kid yourself, Kylo. You were no more ready or able to be a father than you were to admit to the world you hated your wife so much that you paid someone else to give you what she wouldn't. _My_ daughter's name is Violet, and she's kind, and funny, and she doesn't deserve to be a burden." You'd never been so drained from doing nothing more than talking before, but your passionate defense of both your choices and Violet's well being felt like it had aged you by a decade. Being back in Kylo's orbit was a special brand of agony that you weren't at all prepared for.

Shaking your head you moved to storm past him, your hand already reaching for the door when he stepped in front of you. You collided into his chest, caught only by his arms wrapping around you, pulling you flush against his chest. When you tried to step back he only held you tighter, an unreadable expression crossing his face just before his lips clashed with yours.

Your protests, irregardless of their lack of ferocity, fell on deaf ears. His hand locked around the back of your neck, keeping you pinned against him. The kiss was rough; demanding. Stealing the breath from your lungs. His tongue pushed through your unsteady lips, determined to taste you.

When your hands fell against his broad chest you tried at first to push him away, but being back in his arms didn't disgust you as you wished it would. It didn't scare you or trigger your instincts to fight back. Instead everything inside you longed to melt into him. To cling on to the past, and to the man that you hated.

The man that you loved.

Were it not for the sound of Violet's voice outside, you might have let his touch convince you the moment was worth the tidal wave of searing torment that would follow.

Tapping into the most unemotional side of yourself you could manage you bit his lip hard. While at first he growled approvingly at the pain you inflicted when you tasted blood he pulled back, hand drifting away from your neck to trace over the small wound on his bottom lip. "My little kitten finally grew some claws...fangs too." He murmured thoughtfully, a dark and satisfied gleam in his eyes.

Using his lack of a grip on you as leverage, you twisted out of his hold, putting a hand back when he moved to pursue you, "What the fuck, Kylo?" You demanded breathlessly, glaring balefully at him, "Do you really think I'm that pathetic?"

"You can't tell me you didn't enjoy it," Kylo remarked dryly before his tongue flicked over the smear of blood on his lip, wreaking havoc on your already wild heartbeat. Whatever power that be decided such an asshole could be that hot was on your hit list. "There's a few things I haven't told you, let's g-"

"I'm not doing anything with you. This is over. I'm getting my kid and I'm going home." He tried again to stop you but this time you managed to avoid his grip, ripping open the door to the door to the reception hall. Giving him one last meaningful look over your shoulder, your voice sounded unfamiliar even to you, "You lost your right to touch me the second you threw me away, don't ever forget that again."

**********************

He didn't follow you. You'd half expected him to. Taking orders wasn't exactly his strong suit; especially from you. But nonetheless he remained inside while you exchanged a hasty goodbye with Rachel - promising to stay in touch for real this time - and ushered Violet into the car. She'd barely even realized that you'd stepped away she'd been having so much fun with Rachel. You were almost positive she'd never even seen Kylo.

You didn't breathe easily again until you were nearly fifty miles away and positive that Kylo wasn't following you. A part of you sincerely doubted he thought either of you were worth chasing, but you couldn't escape the paranoia that this wasn't over.

"Are we going to come back and visit grandma Maz and Rachel again?" Violet asked you from the backseat, startling you. Last you'd checked in the rear view she'd been fast asleep, her cheeks still flushed from all the running she'd done.

Though you felt a knot forming in your stomach at the sureness that you were lying through your teeth because you were _never_ risking another run in with Kylo, you gave her a weak smile in the mirror, "Maybe some day."

Not accustomed or attuned to deceit, she nodded before turning her head to look out the window.

Just as you began to relax again the sound of your phone chiming, unusually sharp and loud in the quiet cabin, sapped what remained of your frayed nerves. Vaguely you registered Violet asking you why you jumped, but every ounce of your energy had to be dedicated towards not letting the panic bubbling up inside you pull you under.

It was a text from Kylo.

_We're not done, duchess. Not even close. I'll see you and Violet soon. _

_********************* _

**(** a/n **)**

* _queues TikTok song_ * oh no, oh no, oh no no no no. I know, I know. I suck for another cliffhanger. 

I just want to say THANK YOU all so much for your overwhelming love and support for this story. I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me!

please please please comment and vote and let me know what you thought? there's so much more drama to come...

until next time <3 


	4. Vindication

TWs; sexual situations, dub-con, slight non-con, unhealthy/toxic relationship, mentions of infidelity/cheating spouse, harassment. 

**********************   
  
  


"What the fuck do you mean it's not _enough_ for a restraining order?"

The young officer you sat across the table from visibly flinched at your tone, looking like he wished a hole would open up in the floor beneath his squeaky office chair and swallow him whole so he could escape. Were you thinking logically you wouldn't have been able to blame him; you'd come into the station halfway towards losing it. Having him tell you that a text from Kylo wasn't enough to warrant any kind of legal action had been the straw to break the camel's back.

You hadn't slept more than a few minutes the night before, trying to figure out what the hell you were supposed to do now. Kylo knew everything, and even though you'd suspected - hoped might be a more accurate word - that he would gladly watch you drive off into the distance and once again absolve himself of responsibility, that hadn't been the case.

You waited to text him back the day before until you'd stopped for a bathroom and snack break for Violet. While you waited for her to wash her hands you quickly typed out a short message and sent it, carefully rearranging your features into a bland smile when she turned towards you.

_I'm not your duchess. I'm not your anything. We're_ **_ DONE _ ** _. Harassment suits work both ways._

The last two days had been traumatic enough for her and you'd already noticed how closely she'd been watching you in the car. Worried. Unsettled. Chewing on her bottom lip as she absently brushed one of her Barbie's hair in her lap. You wanted so badly to know if she'd seen or heard anything, but you wanted to find a way to bring it up that wouldn't just serve to add to her anxiety.

Yours, on the other hand, skyrocketed when you heard the quiet 'ping' on your phone as you helped Violet get back in the car. Once she was settled with a bag of goldfish and a movie streaming on her iPad you dared to check.

_Don't play games you can't win. Sleep well tonight._

Were Violet not in the backseat, you would have legitimately considered driving back just to run down in the **street**.

Your conflicting desires where he was concerned were enough to keep your mind spinning for the rest of the trip home. You half expected to see Kylo waiting in the driveway when you pulled on to your otherwise quiet street, but you were greeted with nothing but the comfort of blank pavement and darkened windows.

After getting the car unloaded you tried your best to stick with your usual routine for Violet's sake. She was still clearly anxious - perhaps because your own anxiety was still off the charts - and you didn't want to do anything that was going to further unsettle her. Once you'd gone through the motions of dinner, playtime, bath, and brushing teeth you laid down with her in her bed with a book. Dressed in her warm unicorn pajamas Maz had given her only a few months before, she snuggled up to you, her sweet smelling head resting on your arm as you read her a few paragraphs of Charlotte's Web. It amazed you that a child her age could appreciate a book with few pictures but she seemed to prefer her bedtime stories be those she could simply drift to and listen to your voice.

When she was nearly asleep you pressed your lips gently against her forehead, feeling a renewed surge of protectiveness race through you. You'd never doubted for a second that Violet was the single most important thing in your life, or that you would do anything to protect her, but it was moments like these when you realized there wasn't a line that existed that you wouldn't cross for her. "I love you so much, angel. Mommy is never going to let anything happen to you."

That included her father.

But blissfully unaware of your fear for the future or the existence of the man who would keep you awake all night, she merely closed her eyes, "I love you, mommy."

That had been the moment you decided to go to the police station in the morning. You were still on bereavement leave from work, but you decided to have Violet keep up her normal schedule. After breakfast that morning you drove her to preschool, seeing her off safely to her classroom before driving down to the station prepared to rationally explain your reasoning for taking some kind of action to make sure Kylo didn't pursue you and find a solution.

That was when the at first overly helpful officer decided to tell you that there was absolutely nothing they could do.

"You could always try blocking his number so he can't contact you." He suggested, _flinching_ before he even finished speaking at the look you gave him. He spread his hands apologetically, clearly trying to save his own life, "The fact of the matter is that you have to prove a threat and a pattern to get a restraining order, and then it's a continuous process of keeping it. From what you told me, all you have evidence of is this one text. It's certainly easy to see it's unwanted, but so are telemarketing calls and 12 year old little shits prank calling people. If he makes any kind of threat or it continues by all means come back in. But right now all you can do is document."

A few other officers had turned to watch your conversation. Or maybe just to make sure you didn't **decapitate** their coworker with his stapler. You knew it wasn't his fault but the fury of being told you couldn't do anything but _document_ to protect your own kid was infuriating. Ironically enough, you wished you could have Kylo's legal advice. He always seemed to know some way to get his clients whatever they wanted for the right price.

Sighing irritably you rose to your feet, rolling your eyes when the officer scooted back in his chair as if he expected you to pounce, "If you ever have kids you'll understand some day why that doesn't cut it." The guy looked like he was still in the ninth grade, and considering the detached way he spoke about the process you were nearly certain he had no idea what you were struggling with.

"Ma'am?"

Turning you found yourself face to face with a woman who appeared to be in her mid-30s with dark auburn hair and a scattering of freckles across the bridge of her nose. Her sharp brown eyes were kind. A surprise considering you weren't exactly giving off a pleasant vibe to the vicinity. "My name is Kristin Johnson, Detective Johnson." She extended her hand for you to shake, waiting the few hesitant seconds before you tentatively took her hand for a brief moment. She nodded behind her towards what looked like a small but functional office, "I couldn't help but overhear. Why don't we talk for a minute?"

While you were far from being in the mood for another logical lecture, there was something about her that you immediately felt like you could trust. An understanding in her gaze that had been absent from the officer's.

You followed her to the office, stepping around her at the door to sit down in the metal chair on the opposite side of the desk while she closed the door, "This is my captain's office. He won't mind." Taking a seat opposite you she pulled the laptop sitting on the desk closer to her, typing a few keys before she looked to you, "He wasn't wrong in what he told you. One of the really shitty parts about the justice system. But mom to mom, I'd want someone to do more than give me the facts if I thought my kid was at risk. Tell me about this guy. Who is he?"

You were a little stunned at her frankness and willingness to help, but it only helped to reaffirm your gut feeling about the detective was right. "His name is Kylo Ren. He's this big shot attorney, lives in Maine but his office has locations in New York and Miami too that he used to spend a lot of time at. We were...involved a few years ago until he broke it off. It ended pretty badly. He's married. Didn't want to hear from me when I tried to tell him I was pregnant which was probably the biggest blessing in disguise of my life. Maybe if it was just me it would be different but his life, and his...well. Let's just say he's not someone I trust with a vulnerable child." But judging by the look on her face, something you'd said already struck a nerve. Considering her profession, maybe it wasn't a stretch to think she knew him. Or at least of him. "Do you know him?"

She gave a short, humorless laugh before she began typing away on the laptop again, "Yeah, I do. Few years back we busted this guy who had a thing for beating women. He got a little too carried away one night and killed his girlfriend and her sister. Beat them both so severely we had to confirm their identities with blood samples and dental records because their faces were so distorted. When we went to trial the guy hired Ren as his attorney, and even though the DA was sure we had a conviction, it went to hell. Ren cast doubt on everything and everyone, even accused the prosecution of tolerating a tainted jury. By the end of it no one was sure which way was up. So the perp walked. All thanks to him." Looking up from the screen you could see a tiredness in her gaze, as if reliving that history had aged her on the spot. You wished you could say it surprised you, but you'd seen Kylo get people off for worse offenses. It was what he did. It was what he was good at.

You suddenly felt incredibly stupid for thinking the law could possibly work in your favor against him.

Sighing, you pinched the bridge of your nose, trying to convince yourself it wasn't appropriate to **scream** in a police station. "I made my own choices. He didn't lie to me about who he was or what he was doing, so it blowing up the way it did I can't pretend to be a victim. But my daughter didn't choose any of this. There has to be something I can do."

"Legally your options aren't great," Detective Johnson said bluntly, though there was a distinct apologetic look in her eyes. She typed away on the laptop again, speaking as she worked, "My advice is play it smart. Don't make threats, don't do anything he could use against you. Courts favor mothers. Especially in a case where the father refused to even _acknowledge_ the woman was pregnant. Document everything and keep your guard up. If she goes to school give them a heads up in case he tries to go there. And I know you aren't going to want to hear this because I can see how much you want to do something, avoid confrontation and contact. Don't play his game, because I guarantee you he can play it better. He's an expert."

Much as you wanted to deny what she was saying, you knew there was truth to it. Not only did Kylo have his background and education on his side, he knew _you_. He knew exactly which buttons to push. And thanks to your kiss at the graveside service, he probably knew you were still in a heat for his touch. Even if you did want to run him down in the street, how long would it have taken you to succumb to his touch? Hating him apparently didn't convince your body he wasn't everything you needed.

Before you could comment, you watched the detective's eyebrows raise a fraction as she looked at the screen. Feeling your gaze on her, she sighed and turned the laptop around so you could see the article she'd pulled up online, "I hate to say it, but things with your boy just got a whole lot more complicated."

You scanned the headline with wide eyes, looking at the picture included below it and felt your stomach drop.

** Heiress Model and Lawyer Husband Call it Quits; Divorce in Progress  **   
  
  


**************   
  
_Kylo_

"What a fucking shock, Mr. Emotionally Unavailable runs away again. Tell me something Kylo, is it one of your clients you're going to fuck around with or one of your whores? _Ooh_ , maybe it's both." Reyna taunted him from from the doorway of his bedroom, a glass of wine perched neatly in her hand as she observed him packing his suitcase. He ground his teeth to prevent from biting her head off. **Again**. It took no small amount of effort to remind himself that he _finally_ was getting what he wanted. A fit of rage could easily steal it away.

The end of his marriage had come before it began; Rey had never been his wife. Anymore than he her husband. It was an arrangement. One that lasted too long and cost too much. But he'd never been the one to make the terms; seeing it come to a final end was like the homecoming of his rich reward.

Deep down he knew she was just as relieved as he was. She hated him. Resented him. Wished he were a different, better man. One that he'd never been capable of being. Without the threat of jail time hanging over her head the rose colored glasses had come off quickly and never been returned. But she couldn't very well admit to world she married for a get out of jail free card. It would make her look pathetic. Shallow. Unstable. So instead she had to wait for the perfect story; an amicable split after years of happiness because fate and work prevented them from ever seeing one another. Subtle, but unconfirmed hints to the press she was neglected. Snoke wouldn't let her to openly trash his reputation for fear of the scandal to the firm, but she would neither confirm nor deny when she was asked. She would flash those lovely doe eyes and blink away a tear or two.

He had to give it to her, she was smart. A conniving, vindictive, fame whore. But a smart one.

" _Charming_ as I find your day drinking, Rey, I have somewhere to be. When I get back I think it's time we discuss our new living arrangements. At stated in the divorce agreement you're welcome to the house. I find it tainted with unpleasant memories." Kylo responded levelly, barely sparing her a glance as he zipped his bag, his mind already hours down the road to his destination. The verbal sparring match was nothing new; in fact it might have been the most consistent thing about their marriage. But talking in circles was serving no purpose; and he at least no longer found any appeal to the hate sex.

Scoffing loudly, she took another generous sip from her glass, refusing to move as he approached the doorway, "You're so damn predictable, you know that? You make all the rules. You decide how long everything lasts. When to turn the feelings off and turn into the cold, hateful bastard we both know you are. You'll never be happy. You haven't been happy in five years! Whoever this new girl is, you'll only do the same to her that you do to everyone else. And in the end you'll be alone."

Five years.

A point he couldn't argue. He hadn't been. Not that he had been a glowing ray of sunshine before, but he'd found some degree of peace. Clarity. Joy wasn't a word he associated with himself, but he was more than willing to admit he'd been content. A word he'd seldom even thought of before.

Before _you_. 

Duchess. Pet names were functional before you. A means to an end at best; a cruelty at the height of passion at the worst. But the day he'd met you in that coffee shop, looking a cross between hellfire and a Disney princess down on her luck he couldn't escape the thought there was something distinctly aristocratic about you.

He never told you the thought behind it. Like many other situations he was worried it would mislead you. Allow you to become too attached. Allow _him_ to make stupid decisions. It was better for both of _both_ of you that you believe it was thoughtless.

At least, that's what he used to think.

The choices he'd made years ago were necessary. He couldn't have gotten where he was without making sacrifices. And whether you appreciated it or not you needed to be free of him and you wasn't going to leave on her own. He wasn't stupid; he knew despite the parameters of your arrangement you wanted more. Under different circumstances maybe there would have been a way to make it work, but in a rare moment of selflessness he didn't take advantage of what he could have and instead tried to push you into everything you could have **without** him.

Granted, he had he known how it would all play out, maybe he should have followed his instincts and been selfish.

Looking down at his soon-to-be ex wife, her baleful gaze already unfocused, he sighed deeply, "Whatever game this is your playing I lost interest years ago. _Move_."

A tense silence passed between the two of them, a sea of resentment and bitter memories fueling the stubbornness that had defined the last several years of their lives. Always on opposite sides, always seeing the other as the cause of their emptiness. Misery. Uncontrolled rage.

But after holding her gaze icily for several long moments Rey was the first to break, seeing no benefit to holding her ground when they both knew she wouldn't end up flat on her back. Or a myriad of other positions. "Have fun playing pretend, _husband_. Ten years from now when you're still the same lonely piece of shit don't say I didn't warn you." She spit after him as he slid around her and headed towards the staircase, her voice echoing around him thanks to the massive ceilings she'd insisted on. As if she'd known she would need her pettiness broadcasted at max volume years earlier.

"Ten years from now I guarantee you, you'll be the last thing on my mind. Stay away from the stairs, _wife_." He called over his shoulder, knowing when he got in the car he would still send a text to her assistant telling her to come ensure her boss didn't end up with a broken neck.   
  
  


*******************   
  
  


He'd never given much thought to being a father.

White picket fences, diapers, and weekends spent at Spiderman themed birthday parties weren't a part of his world. It wasn't in the cards. Even long before his career. His own upbringing hadn't left him with any sort of parental inclinations. He hadn't even seen or spoken to either of his parents in years. He wondered idly what they would think of the news of him having a daughter. Of being grandparents. Not that he had any intentions of looking them up to share the happy news.

He still didn't know what the hell to do about it himself.

That moment had been haunting him nearly every moment since he saw you - saw both of you - at the funeral home. A place he hadn't even intended on going. He didn't know Maz well. In fact, he'd spoken to her exactly two times. They day he met her at the restaurant, and the day she'd come marching into his office not long after he broke things off with you. Before he could blink she laid into him, calling him a pathetic waste of oxygen and swore if he ever did anything to hurt you again it would cost him him goddamn life.

He had no place at her funeral, but he'd always respected the care Maz took of you. He'd been driving past the funeral home when he remembered Maz's obituary, stating her funeral would be held that night. Something made him stop. He planned to go in, pay his respects, and leave. The place was nearly empty by then, he figured the risk was minimal.

But then there you were.

Stunning as ever, if not more so. Mercifully without those hideous Ugg boots you and you classmates had once been so fond of. Instead the tailored pantsuit you wore reminded him you weren't the girl who'd shown up at his office that night in that damn black dress. You weren't the young student seeking approval; it was clear even from a distance you'd found your place in the world. A confusing mixture of pride and grief swelled within him; he'd forced you to move on with your life but that didn't mean he didn't regret not being a part of it.

Especially when he noticed the little girl standing next to you.

He'd been so caught off guard by seeing you after so long it was as if the world had melted away. But once it was back in focus a million questions began to race through his mind. He'd known you would go on with your life - as you should - and that would come with meeting someone else. A quick glance at your left hand revealed no ring but he knew better than anyone convention meant little these days.

He'd no more thought of you as a mother than himself as a father, but the resemblance between the two of you struck an odd feeling in his chest. The way you stepped just slightly in front of her, the protective instincts he'd never had cause to see in you before. It should have ended there, with only a strain of curiosity and jealousy. But the child didn't only resemble you.

She looked like **him**.

Maybe not at a glance with the blonde hair, but her eyes were _his_.

It began to click into place as the little girl questioned who he was. Children were a foreign breed but he was willing to assume she was around four or five. The poorly concealed alarm in your eyes as you looked between he and the child. A deer caught in headlights.

He knew then. Even if it terrified him, he knew. But he wanted to hear you say it.

Over the last few days he'd battled with the raging conflict within his overcrowded thoughts. The betrayal, indignation at your audacity, and fury that you could keep a secret like this for nearly five years because he hurt your feelings with his less than gentlemanly treatment was maddening. He knew he'd been cruel when he pushed you away, and he wasn't naive enough to think he hadn't done damage to your heart. But it was necessary. With Snoke looking over his shoulder anything less would have been too much of a risk.

Though you'd been quick to claim you'd tried everything, he begged to differ. You could have sent letters, hired an attorney, hell; sent a goddamn email. All of those things would have complicated his life, but having a child running around he knew nothing about was just as much of a hazard. In addition to the potential legal, public, and personal risks the idea that you'd decided he wasn't fit to be a father grated on him. That his own child needed to be protected **from** him.

If you'd terminated the pregnancy perhaps he would have felt differently. He believed in _her body, her choice_. And if someone had asked him back then if a pregnancy was welcome news of course he would have said no. But once again that choice was taken away and never shared. You decided to have the baby, you decided for both of you to bring a life into the world and then just as independently deigned he would not be a part of it.

His knuckles turned white in the steering wheel, clutching with such ferocity he could feel his muscles straining. He glanced down at his GPS; forty seven miles to go.

******************

You paced restlessly from the kitchen, through the dining room, and into the living room and then back again, feeling the unfamiliar desire to pack your and Violet's bags and run and put your fist through a _wall_.

Seems Kylo was rubbing off on you.

Your head was spinning. Maybe you should have known it simply wasn't possible for your past to always remain separate from your present and future, but you'd never had any reason to think the day would come when Kylo would be pursuing you. And more importantly, Violet. Why couldn't he just continue to be the same distant, arrogant, cold-hearted asshole who pushed you away? And why after all these years was he suddenly divorcing his wife? 

He'd explained enough about his marriage to know it was in name only, but there'd never been any sign of that arrangement changing for fear of the consequences for both Kylo and his wife if it did. Was there some kind of expiration on fake marriages you didn't know about? And surely...surely it wasn't ending because he found out about Violet? 

Your affair with Kylo - no matter how hard you'd fallen for him - had always caused you some degree of guilt. Not because of the money; you did what you needed to in order to survive. To make a decent life. You weren't going to apologize for it or be ashamed of it. No what plagued you was the idea that even if Kylo insisted he and Reyna detested one another, you weren't so sure she would echo that statement. You never met her. You never heard her side of the story. What if she felt something for him and you were screwing her husband behind her back? Kylo might have been the one responsible for his vows, but you didn't enjoy the idea of hurting another woman. 

The news of his divorce added a level of complexity you weren't sure how to even begin handling. Even Detective Johnson looked concerned when you finally left the station. She'd given you her card that had both her phone and personal number on it and told you to call her if you were ever in trouble. It didn't do much to sooth your anxiety, but it was at least nice to know there was someone out there willing to do more than recite policy to you. 

But at the end of the day you were still no better off. No further along in making a plan. You could run, but to what end? It would mean leaving behind everything Violet knew, everything both of you loved - your life, the house, your friends, her school, your work - for the off chance that Kylo wouldn't be able to find you wherever you ended up. And you _knew_ him; if you ran it would only entice him more. It was an open invitation. A challenge. 

However, staying presented its own set of cons. Your address was a matter of public record. Now that Kylo was actively looking for you simply being in another state wasn't going to solve the problem anymore. He hadn't sent you that text as a scare tactic; you _would_ see him again. The question was, what would you do when you did? 

Part of you was still happy to answer that question with an array of violent means, still furious not only at the past, but the hateful things he'd said to you at the funeral. Accusing you of getting pregnant on purpose to trap him. You knew he'd been overwhelmed and said it out of anger, but you hadn't earned his hatefulness. 

He was the one who drop kicked you out of his life. What right did he have to think he had a say in it now? 

But putting your own feelings aside, you focused the majority of your energy on Violet. You were an adult. You'd made your choices a long time ago and you'd known when you made them there would be consequences. That was your burden to bear. But not Violet. She was four. Her world consisted of light and happiness and the uninterrupted ability to simply enjoy being a kid. That wasn't going to be taken away from her. It couldn't be. 

****************

The hot shower that was supposed to relax your tense muscles failed to do its job. You still had another hour or so before Violet was dropped off from school. It was supposed to be your opportunity to get in a somewhat stable frame of mind; instead you felt more on edge than ever. A hole formed in the pit of your stomach, a nagging, **constant** reminder than something felt _wrong_. It seemed obvious why - of course something was wrong - but it suddenly felt worse. More tangible. 

Assuming it was a sign you weren't destined for anything other than frustration and immaculately clean hair you shut the water off, ringing your hair out before pulling the shower curtain back. 

Only to find Kylo leaning against your bathroom counter. 

You couldn't stop the scream of shock that escaped your lips as you jerked the curtain back in place, feeling your rapid heartbeat in your throat. "What the fuck are you doing in my house?" You demanded breathlessly, reaching through the other side of the curtain to snatch your towel off the mounted rack. You wrapped it securely around your body before pulling the curtain back again and stepping out on to the fuzzy bathmat. 

"I knocked. You didn't answer." He shrugged, as if that completely justified why he'd broken in your house. Unlike you, he was completely at ease, one ankle crossed over the other. Blocking the door, you couldn't help but notice. The steam still swirling in the air reminded you of the uncomfortably close quarters. He looked you shamelessly up and down, pausing at the knot holding the towel around you, "There's hardly a point in playing shy. It's not like I haven't seen...and _tasted_ every inch of you." 

Determined not to let him unsettle you any more than he already had, you busied yourself with grabbing another towel from the shelf and wrapping it around your wet hair, leaving it piled on top of your head, "Any other vomit-worthy memories you want to share?" With your hair out of the way you nodded pointedly to the open door, "You're in my way. Do us both a favor and leave before your sorry ass ends up being drug out of here in handcuffs." Though admittedly you didn't hate the thought of seeing him being led away to a cruiser....

But he made no move to exit the room. He shifted slightly to the side to give you more room at the sink, but that appeared to be the only effort he was willing to make, "Plenty of room." To further his point, he patted the space next to him. How generous to offer to share _your_ space.

Sighing, you weighed your options. Much as you might get a kick out of the idea of having him arrested for breaking into your house, the last thing you needed was Violet coming from home to find the driveway packed with cops and curious neighbors. But you were equally dreading proximity to him. The kiss still remained in the back of your mind; your reluctance to fight it. 

Your inability to forget it. And **not** for the reasons you wished. 

Narrowing your eyes, you conceded, but only temporarily. Walking over to the counter you held your hand out to him. His brows pinched, confused, until you gestured to the toothbrush holder hidden behind his massive frame, "If you're not going to move then you could at least be helpful." 

Glancing over his shoulder he found your target. Grabbing your toothbrush and toothpaste he held it out to you, but pulled it away when you moved to snatch them from his grasp, "No manners?" he asked, a hint of the past glimmering in his eyes. A soft 'tsk' following. Once upon a time you lived for moments like these. When he would find things to tease you with or be falsely dissatisfied with just for an excuse to touch you or make you late for class just so people would wonder what was behind your tardiness and flushed cheeks.

You _hated_ yourself that you let it matter that he remember; you hated him for using it against you. 

"Manners are for people I invite in the house." You countered, your hand still perched waiting for your things. The silent standoff lasted a few extended moments before he placed them in your palm, letting the back of his scrape your fingers before he returned it to his lap. You prepped your toothbrush before setting the toothpaste down on the counter next to you, pausing only long enough to quip shortly before beginning to brush your teeth, "You need to leave. We have nothing left to discuss." 

"Hardly." He disagreed nearly immediately, a little too intensely focused on the bottle of Violet's bubblebath sitting on the edge of the tub. Kylo's brows knit again before he resumed watching you brush your teeth with angry strokes, "You've had years of deciding for me. You don't get to dictate how I handle it." 

Feeling that same rage from the day before begin to boil beneath your skin, you spit and rinsed your brush, pettily satisfied with the droplets of water and toothpaste residue that dotted his pants nearest to the sink, "I've had years of doing what's best for my kid. If you're waiting for an apology you're about to be very disappointed." 

While he watched you finish your task and set your toothbrush down he rose a brow, the humor returning in the form of a poorly concealed mirthless smirk, "Apologies were never your strong suit until I _showed_ you how sorry you were." 

"I grew up," You snapped in return, reaching into the drawer for your deodorant. You'd experienced too much with Kylo to be shy. Despite the fact that his bringing up the past was blatant manipulation, he wasn't wrong; he knew every inch of you. Once you were finished you set the stick back down in before grabbing your favorite perfume and spritzing some on your wrists, "I stopped letting bitter married guys with control issues _dictate_ how I should behave." You would just leave out the part that there hadn't been _anyone_ since him. A few dates and one night flings sure, but you wouldn't even consider letting anyone close enough to inflict that kind of damage on you again. 

And deep down you knew you'd never entirely moved on. Maybe you never would. 

When you moved to step over his legs, growing tired of the games, he raised one leg up to block your path. His foot resting against the doorframe at waist height. At the same time his hand caught your wrist, drawing your arm towards him. You swallowed tightly as his nose skimmed the skin of your wrist, inhaling the scent of your perfume. A perfume you now remembered was one _he'd_ introduced you to. 

"That smell always suited you," he murmured, sounding almost nostalgic, once again swapping so quickly from mockery to genuineness it left your head spinning. 

Fortunately for you, while he was reminiscing the good, you were reminded of the worst. Of the uncertainty. The days spent wondering if you'd done something wrong because he had flipped from affectionate to colder than ice in a matter of seconds. Your body might miss his touch - just the simple act of his hand on your arm had your nerves ready to ignite - but your heart would never crave that insecurity. 

"The knuckle crawl down memory lane doesn't suit either of us." When you pulled your wrist back it surprised you that he didn't fight you. When he dropped his leg you quickly retreated to your bedroom in search of clothes and a few seconds to collect yourself before you ended up a puddle at his feet. One side of you - the logical one you really needed to listen to - had no desire to cave; no longing for his approval, touch, or attention. A few longing glances didn't make up for the past. 

But you were reminded yet again there was another part of you - a hopelessly addicted one you thought you left behind - that was, for lack of a better explanation; _his_. Maybe it was the person he'd shaped into the mold of what he needed years ago, or just the side of yourself that couldn't stop loving the wrong man. Either way in his presence both sides remained in existence, fighting for control. 

As you padded around the room gathering clothes he drifted into the bedroom, looking around. Apparently he hadn't stopped for a tour when he'd broken in. He took in the bright, natural light, the neutral color scheme and natural wood furniture. The plants on the window seat that Violet loved to water each morning. The framed, happy photos of you and Violet, Jace, Poe, Maz, and friends on your dresser. A few of Violet's drawings on the wall. Those seemed to capture his attention the most. 

You watched as he approached the one hanging near your closet. One of your favorites; a picture of two sea turtles you'd seen when you took her to the aquarium. They were beautiful creatures, but you didn't expect Violet to be so taken with them when there were so many other animals and exhibits to see. But she insisted on staying by the their tank for a solid twenty minutes. When you'd gotten home that afternoon she spent hours on that drawing at the kitchen table, so clearly wanting every detail to be perfect. While she had been three at the time and it reflected the fine motor skills of a child, it was the work she'd put in it that made it special. When you asked her what it was about the turtles that she loved so much she shrugged her little shoulders and told you they were _good_. 

Good. A simple word, but powerful in meaning. It was one you often applied to Violet herself. 

"She drew this?" Kylo asked after a long moment, turning back to you, wearing an expression you weren't sure you'd ever seen on him before. 

Uncertainty. 

After a moment you nodded, unsure how much to share with him. "She loves art. She's talented, too. Not sure where she got it from." Unless Kylo had neglected to mention an art hobby it was more than likely independent of heritage or example. After a moment you cleared your throat, nodding towards the door, "If you don't mind, I need to change." 

Still seeming preoccupied he gave a vague hand gesture, "Be my guest." But he made no move to leave the room. Instead he continued his walking tour, looking out the window near your bed at the backyard at Violet's swing set. "Before you give me a lecture, spare us both. It's not necessary." 

"Why? Did your wife give you _permission_ this time?" The words were out of your mouth in an instant, sharp and cutting. You hadn't intended to bring it up so soon. Hell, you hadn't intended on bringing up his divorce at all. But his audacity in not only forcing his way into your home but trying to order your around in it had given you an unexpected burst of bravery. "Oh," You feigned a look of surprise, as if you'd just remembered the news, "that's right. Soon to be ex-wife, right? Is that why you're here? To celebrate your freedom?" You wouldn't have put it past him to make a road trip to his old mistress just to spite her. Actually, you'd rather think that was the reason he'd come rather than anything to do with Violet. 

If he was surprised that you knew about his divorce he gave no indication. His expression seemed more curious than anything else as he turned back, slowly closing the gap between you with his long stride, "For someone who claims to want me gone, you spend a lot of time baiting me." 

"It's called resentment," you shot back, though you wished you didn't sound so breathless. You held your ground as he stood before you, "Sorry if getting bitten in the ass by your choices makes you uncomfortable." 

"Funny," he murmured, towering over you, looking down with a mixture of fury and _hunger_ , "I was about to say the same thing to **you**." In a flash his arms were around you, roughly lifting you up and dropping you on to the surface of your dresser. Your naked ass pressed into the smooth wood as the towel slid. Were it not for you catching the knot it would have fallen away completely. You felt cool air across your spine as he glanced into the mirror behind you, tracing over your exposed skin. He stepped closer, moving to stand between your legs, catching your other arm with ease when you tried to push him away, "I thought we cured you of that smart mouth years ago." 

Though your chest was heaving with your rapid breath, adrenaline already spiking, you weren't going to weren't going to crack that easily. In fact, he'd set him up so perfectly you didn't think you were _capable_ of letting it go. Instead of leaning away from his encroaching presence, you leaned forward, hiding a smirk when you felt him tense ever so slightly when he felt your lips at his ear, "You paid me to make you believe you did a _lot_ of things well." There was so **little** truth in that single sentence, but it felt too satisfying to allow you to care if neither of you believed it for a second. 

Your victory lasted all of a half second before his hand was jerking the towel around your head away and winding your still-damp hair around his fist. He jerked your head back, painfully forcing you to meet his icy glare. Your scalp burned as he continued to ruthlessly hold you in place, now making you struggle to keep the pain from your expression, "We both know you would have gotten on your knees for free, duchess. The way you used to beg, even that first night, my desperate little slut always so ready to be fucked. To be filled and stretched until you were sure I was going to split you in _half_. That was what got you off; that moment of fear when you wondered if I would **break** you. A little bit deeper, a little less air in your lungs when you could feel my fingers digging into your throat. You pretended it was the moment that pretty, throbbing clit of yours finally got my attention that you lived for, but it was never knowing how _disposable_ you might be from minute to minute that had you so fucking addicted _mine_ was the only name you could remember when I finally let you shatter around my cock. My fingers. My tongue." His every word was spoken just above a whisper. Deep in his chest, filled with unrestrained lust. Never taking his eyes from yours you felt his hand drifting up your inner thigh, that slightly calloused palm that used to be your homecoming sending a long forgotten surge of liquid heat to your core. Stopping just at the apex of your thigh, his fingers so close your body could sense their presence he drug you closer, inclining his head to taste your lower lip. Just long enough to elicit a breathless whine. Your body shamelessly betraying you. Kylo chuckled darkly, satisfaction gleaming in his eyes, "Ah, there she is. Now, tell me something little one," He drug your head forward again, back to his ear, an exact mirror of the position you'd been in before with your lips poised at his earlobe, "what is it I **paid** you to do?" 

Words, had you even been able to comprehend any, never would have made it immediately from your trembling lips. You wanted to hurt him. To hurt him the way he had you. To be as detached as he so easily could but he was under your skin. A part of you so deeply engrained you wondered if you would ever be free of it. With a few murmured words and stolen touches your body was his again, now reminded of everything he could give you. The adrenaline. The escape. The submission. The passion. The pain. 

He was right. You were addicted. 

"I _hate_ you," you managed to choke out, trying and failing to ignore the wetness you could feel gathering between your thighs. Heat so intense you were sure he could feel it on his fingers now brushing torturously slow across your sensitive skin. 

He dipped his head down to press his lips to your neck, a deep sense of deja vu turning your senses to oblivion as a feather light kiss preceded a harsh bite you knew would leave a mark. "Try again. Make me _believe_ it this time." he taunted in what sounded more like a moan than a growl, continuing his slow assault down your throat. 

Ironically enough, it was the position he was holding you that gave you the dousing of ice water you needed. If not for the sight of Violet's drawing on the wall behind him, you might have given in right then and there. But the stark reminder that you didn't have the luxury of being selfish gave you the push you needed to shove him away from you. 

Either from shock, or the fact that you used your hand as well as your foot, when you pushed him back he released you, the look on his face almost entirely perplexed as you slid off the dresser and glared at him, "Were you deaf yesterday when I told you that you don't get to touch me anymore?" Heedless of the slipping state of your towel you grabbed your clothes and shoved past him, tossing them down on the bed before rounding on him again, "What the fuck do you want from me, Kylo? You told me it was over. You pushed me away, so I left. Now you think it's okay to just barge back into my life? Why? Because of Violet? What you knocked me up so I'm your property now?" 

He opened his mouth, undoubtedly with a rebuttal, taking a step closer, but you cut him off, "Don't start with the justifications. I don't want to hear about our agreement or the money or your job or anything else. I let you _ruin_ me. You knew how I felt and you still found the cruelest way possible to end things." You could feel tears burning in your eyes and you did nothing to stop them. Much as you hated giving him the power of the truth over you, you couldn't hold it back, "God damn it, Kylo. All I did was every single thing you asked of me. I never asked you to change, or change your life for me even though it was killing me. You take no responsibility for how badly you fucked me over in the head and now you're surprised that I don't want you breaking into my house? Or coming anywhere near my kid? You can't do to her what you did to me. I will never let that happen." 

"I fucked up, okay?" Recovered from his shock he was quick to rejoin the argument, admitting his fault in the same breath as you could see his anger for you building again. "I did what I thought needed to be done. I didn't set out trying to ruin your life, I was trying to force you to go build a new one because you _couldn't_ be a part of mine then." 

Yet that was the part he'd still yet to fully explain. Did you not fit because of his marriage? Seemed unlikely given he didn't have a problem for the year and a half you were together. And had that really been the issue why wouldn't he gave said so? Either that he needed to remain faithful to his wife, or his other - simpler - choice end his sham of a marriage and move on if it wasn't what he wanted. No, there were too many missing pieces of the puzzle to take him at face value.

Better to focus on that than his use of the word 'then'. 

"Please don't stand there and play the self sacrificing hero card. There's either way more to the story or that's complete bullshit." Maybe some combination of both. Did it really matter? No matter what his explanations or justifications were it didn't change anything. The past needed to stay where it belonged. 

Kylo, however, clearly didn't agree. "You really want to talk about bullshit when we're standing in a house where you've been hiding our kid for the last four years?" His brows shot up as he spoke, hands clenching and opening at his sides. He'd come here to fight with you, he wasn't about to give up so easily. 

Kylo Ren didn't lose arguments. And over the last few days you'd robbed him of the chance to win twice. 

"I've been raising her, not hiding. She has a great life. And the last thing she needs is to come home from school to find the guy that scared the shit out of her the other day. So fun as this has been, I need to change and you need to go." You nodded again to your open bedroom door, unsurprised when he once again didn't move. "I assume you know the way." You added dryly. 

"I'm not going anywhere. Neither are you. You're not running away from this again" He snapped in return, glaring instead of following your gesture. 

Either out of spite or sheer exasperation you returned his glare and let the towel drop to the floor, raising a brow before continuing on with the task of getting dressed. Violet was due home in less than half an hour. You needed to get rid of him long before then. "You don't expect me to believe you have some hidden urge for fatherhood, right? You're pissed that you had no control over the situation. Fine. But that's no reason to try and turn her life upside down." 

For a long moment you watched him watch you out of the corner of your eye, feeling a brief flare of satisfaction of your own to knock him off balance for a moment. He, however, recovered far more quickly than you did. "Her life wouldn't be 'turned upside down' if you hadn't neglected to tell her who her father was. What have you told her by the way? I'm sure she's asked. Perhaps that he was some evil being you're protecting her from?" 

The thought had crossed your mind. Not in those words, but you and Violet had more than one talk over the years about her non-existent father, and sometimes you wondered if it wouldn't be easier for her to understand the life you'd built if she knew why. But no matter how angry and hurt you were, you didn't want Violet to live with those things. You didn't want her to see your sadness and resent and make a judgement call. The plan had been to tell her everything when she was older and let her decide for herself. You wondered what the odds were that you could follow that plan now. 

Jerking your long sleeved tee shirt over your head and covering your black lace bra you shot him a scathing look before going for your jeans, "Right, because I would want a little girl to hear that her father was a manipulative bastard who - let's be honest - wouldn't have wanted either us in his life." He watched you shimmy into your jeans with a mixture of skepticism and confusion before you finally sighed, "It's not my place to shape the way she thinks, Kylo. I told her you had a different life and would want her to be happy. If any of that is true then just _go_." 

"I can't. He said simply. Immediately. His mind already made up. Nothing you said was going to convince him to leave. 

And the sound of the front door opening followed by the thunder of little feet on the hardwood floors confirmed it was too late to _do_ anything, either. 

Both of your eyes widened as Violet called out for you, appearing in the doorway only a moment later, "Mommy! I got to be the snack helper today and I didn't spill anything and Ms. Winters told me-" 

Violet stopped abruptly, the smile fading from her face as she looked between you and Kylo. She didn't seem as frightened as she had at the funeral home - maybe because you weren't, or because she recognized Kylo - but she'd never come home before to find a strange man in the house. Only Jace or Poe. 

"Who are you?" she asked Kylo curiously, her little backpack hanging from one shoulder. It was halfway unzipped with a piece of paper sticking out of the top, like she'd been trying to dig it out on her way to your bedroom. 

Kylo had turned to the door when Violet came in so you couldn't see his expression, but before you could utter a word he was crouching down to her level. Well, as closely as he could. Even on his knees he was still massive. You watched him hold out his hand to her, "My name is Kylo. I'm a...friend of your mommy's." 

The scoff working its way out of your throat stalled as you watched her study Kylo. Violet had always been on the overly friendly side, pleasantly chatting to people in line at the grocery store in the seat of the cart while you unloaded groceries or making instant friends at the pool over the summer, but she was cautious enough that usually she waited for some sort of signal from you first when it came to adults. 

But instead she put her hand in his, a tentative smile working across her lips again, "I'm Violet." She tried to shake his hand the way her class was learning to introduce themselves for kindergarten, but her brows pinched when she couldn't move his hand on her own. "You're very big." she commented, still looking at his hand with undisguised curiosity. 

"I've heard that before." He chuckled. An _actual_ chuckle. Not the dry or sarcastic kind you'd come to expect from him, but a genuine, slightly awed sound. With his back still to you he released her hand and helped her shrug her backpack off. Plucking the piece of paper before it could fall out he unrolled it and looked it over. From where you stood it looked like another drawing, "You drew this?" 

"Uh huh. It's a mommy and a little giraffe like mommy and me. Do you wanna come draw with me?" Completely oblivious to the tense situation, Violet seemed to think she'd just made a new best friend. You felt your jaw slacken as she reached for his hand again, trying to tug him to his feet to follow her, "Come on. My art is in the kitchen." 

And Kylo, rising to his feet and only sparing you a quick perplexed look over his shoulder, followed her out your bedroom door. 

What the fuck were you supposed to do now?

*****************

**(** a/n **)**

welp. that was fun. 

please please please comment/vote! I love hearing what you guys think, it really is a huge motivator. thank you all so much for your support and love for this story, it means absolutely everything to me!

until next time <3


	5. Change

**_TWs_** ; _sexual situations, slight dub-con, mentioned of infedelity/cheating spouse, mild violence, and FEELS I WASN'T READY FOR._

**(** Kylo **)**

Unease was not an emotion that he was well acquainted with. At least, it hadn't been for quite some time. He'd shed the skin of the weak boy he'd once been years before and never looked back; never regretted for a second ridding himself of the ability to be less than. Taken advantage of. With that freedom had come the confidence in his place in the world. Even though he was still ruled by more than one force in life, he was more often than not entirely in control, and ever in search of a way to gain more. 

Kylo created his own schedule, hand selected his clients, picked every single item that passed through his threshold from furniture to the type of eggs he preferred, created a way to live with a sham of a marriage, and practiced **unflinching** dominance in the dynamics he pursued outside of it. He was good at his job, one of the most reputable criminal defense attorneys on the eastern seaboard. Any information he lacked he could find; any new tactic he needed he could learn. Unlike many of the prosecutors he faced off against he didn't have sweat beading between his brows when it came time for deliberation. There wasn't a single aspect of his life where he felt out of place. 

Until now. 

He followed, dumbfounded, down your hallway behind the child he was still struggling to grasp was his own. Not that he doubted her parentage, but the idea that he had a four year old daughter was still foreign. And as if that wasn't enough to knock him off kilter, the tiny child pulling him into your kitchen by his pointer finger because she couldn't manage to hold more with her petite little hand, somehow exuded more confidence than he felt. 

Without breaking stride she walked right up to a plastic storage unit by the kitchen table. Three drawers. Pink. Covered in stickers of cartoon creatures and people he didn't recognize. Violet seemed to know exactly what she needed from the large amount of supplies. She released his finger and pulled out a few boxes that held crayons, markers, and colored pencils and handed them to him, "Can you put these on the table?" she asked, already having handed them over and renewing her search until she found a stack of blank paper. 

Still feeling in a fog Kylo set the plastic boxes down on the kitchen table, watching as Violet climbed on to the booster seat in the chair next to her. Though rather than sitting in it, she perched on her knees, elbows resting on the table. The sense of deja vu hit him like a mack truck; you'd always assumed odd positions when you studied and blatantly _refused_ to sit like a normal human being. Seeing the seemingly insignificant habit passed along to your daughter was an odd feeling. Something he couldn't quite put his finger on that left him more **unsettled** than before. 

"What kinda picture are you going to draw, Kylo?" Violet asked him curiously, looking up at him with her head cocked curiously to the side. 

Art supplies were far from his area of expertise. He glanced around instinctively, finding you in the doorway observing quietly but not inclined to help. The way you watched him, that odd mix of curiosity and protectiveness, was still taking some getting used to. You'd never been closed off with him. Perhaps there were topics you avoided, and some behaviors you kept hidden because you worried it would endanger the tuition payments, but you'd never watched him like that before. 

_Suspicious_ , worried, and guarded in a way that made him sure the stories about what mothers would do to protect their children were true. Not that he appreciated the implication that he was a threat, but admittedly it offered him a small source of pride that you'd gained some self assurance. 

"I'm uh, not very good at drawing, that's ok-" he stopped abruptly when Violet hopped down off her booster seat and returned to her art supplies. Pulling open a drawer she grabbed a few coloring books and brought them to the chair next to hers. 

She set them down and smiled up at him, "That's okay, you can use my coloring books. They have lines so you can't mess up." With that she climbed back into her original position before she began opening the boxes of supplies and set to work with a bright shade of green on her own paper. When he didn't immediately sit down she glanced up at him again, her expression falling, "Don't you want to color with me?"

He'd never found children endearing - especially the screaming ones - but _fuck_ if that pleading look didn't do things to him. 

Behind him he could sense you stepping forward, perhaps about to capitalize on the situation and use it as an argument that he should leave. Which he most certainly wasn't ready to do. So instead he sat down, flipping open the first coloring book which depicted dogs wearing clothes on the front cover, "Yes, I do." 

The smile that bloomed across Violet's face made his cheeks feel uncomfortably warm. How was it possible for one tiny human to be so god damn influential? If the ones screaming for toys in the mall would learn that trick their parents would surely be bankrupt within the hour. 

Resigning himself to his fate he glanced down at the first page. More of the dogs wearing clothes - who's idea was it to put a fireman's uniform on a dog? - playing on a playground. He glanced back at you again to find you leaning against the kitchen counter, clearly fighting a smile. Watching a four year old bully him into compliance with a smile must have been a real show. 

Rolling his eyes, he returned to the task at hand, "What color is this one supposed to be?" he asked Violet, indicating to the dog wearing a suit and tie. At least that one looked slightly less **ridiculous** than the one next to it dressed like a clown. 

At this rate there really was no hope for the next generation. 

Violet had been steadily working her way across her paper with a lighter green colored pencil. At his question she paused, a wrinkle forming between her brows, "You can pick any color. I have all kinds. See?" she pushed the box of crayons closer to him, indicating the indeed wide variety of colors. 

Assuming she didn't understand his question he turned back to the cover, irritated to not to find an example to work from, "Aren't you supposed to color them the colors they are on TV?" 

Going back to work on her drawing she shook her head, some of her blonde hair falling over her shoulder as she bent over the page, "Nope," she popped the ' _p_ ' with another shake of her head, "that's why all the pages are blank so you can make what you want." 

He felt his own face fall, struck by the insight a four year could display. Not that he'd had many conversations with them, but he didn't think it was the norm. It was the kind of question he wanted to ask you, but didn't begin to know how to have a normal conversation. 

Did he want a normal conversation? His feelings where you were concerned were anything but _resolved_. And he wasn't vein enough to think that yours weren't equally as complicated. But all of this was out of his element. You weren't his first submissive or mistress, but you had been his first...whatever you'd been to him back then that he wasn't sure had such a clear cut title. When he'd ended dynamics and relationships in the past he didn't mourn them. There weren't second thoughts, or years of repressed bitterness and regret at the loss. 

Had you been anyone else, he wouldn't have regretted losing you for the sake of his career. And you wouldn't have mattered enough for him to be concerned for your future and safety if he'd stayed with you. 

There was so much he'd yet to tell you. And much as he might like to think he was holding back because of his anger at the secret you'd kept for five years, he knew it wasn't that simple. Perhaps his pride played a role, but he was beginning to grudgingly realize that he was slow to be forthcoming because he wasn't so **proud** of the choices he'd made now that he was experiencing the full affect of the consequences. 

Having accepted that he wasn't going to get more detailed instructions Kylo had selected a black crayon and began mindlessly filling in the lines of the suit as he continued to mull over his thoughts, occasionally pausing to watch Violet cover the entirety of her paper in varying shades of green. At first he'd assumed she was just doodling, but the longer he watched her the more he could tell she was being intentional in the colors she chose and the patterns she drew in. "What are you going to draw?" he asked curiously, watching the way her tongue just barely poked out when she concentrated. Another habit she inherited from you. 

"It's a surprise," she said quickly, moving her arm in an attempt to shield her paper though with her small limbs she only managed to block a portion. She glanced over at the coloring page he was working on, "Is black your favorite color?" 

Looking down he realized he'd covered half the page in the darkest color she owned in her little assortment of tools. On such a cheerful page it looked almost ominous. He doubted this was what the publisher intended. "I suppose it is," he remarked dryly, failing to hide a small smile as he set the black down and instead found a dark blue. What could he say? He was still himself. "Do you draw a lot?" 

"Uh huh," she responded easily, returning to her drawing. She too had switched colors and now was using a grey colored pencil. "And play outside. And go to gymnastics. And play dress up with mommy. She knows how to braid my hair like Elsa." She paused again, looking first at his eyes and then to his hair. "Can I braid your hair?"

"No." He responded automatically, disgusted with the thought. He turned to glare when he heard your repressed _giggle_ behind him. 

"Please? I'll make it really pretty, I promise." Violet pleaded. He turned back to her, ready to deny her again, but the look of innocent pleading caught him off guard. It was criminal, that look.

"You can braid mine later, kiddo. Kylo's no fun." You chimed in as you moved over to the kitchen table, coming to stand behind Violet's chair. You brushed her own hair back to keep it off her work before shooting him a half smile, "He never learned how to laugh at himself." 

Were you baiting him? He narrowed his eyes slightly, seeing the glint of mischief in your eyes that used top signal the start to some very entertaining nights. 

Misunderstanding the joke, Violet looked between the two of you before fixing her concerned gaze back on him, "You don't know how to laugh, Kylo? It's really easy, I can show you." 

Watching the way your expression immediately softened, he felt that same uncomfortable feeling return. The tightness in his chest he wasn't sure he'd ever experienced before now. As new and unusual as this world you created was, he couldn't help but be grateful you'd given Violet a place where she could grow into the kind of kid who would offer to teach someone how to laugh because she was concerned he didn't know how to. 

It rendered him temporarily speechless, and in the silence you took the opportunity to swiftly change the subject, "We should get dinner started. How does spaghetti sound? Maybe I can go turn on a movie and you can draw in the living room while I cook?" 

It was clear to him you were trying to call the evening to a close and no doubt shove him out the door at the first opportunity. It wasn't lost on him how _nervous_ his proximity made you. Not just today, but beginning that night at Maz's viewing. Yes there had been fear there, but he knew he still had an affect on you despite your proclamations of independence and hatred. 

It pleased him far more than it should have that you hadn't **completely** carved him out. 

"Can Kylo stay for spaghetti too?" Violet asked before you could get any further in getting him out the door. Violet looked directly up at you, a hopeful smile on her lips. 

It also shouldn't have affected him as much as it did that Violet wanted him to stay. 

Which perhaps was what prompted him to accept before you could say no, "I'll stay." 

********************

Seeming to take the hint that you were fuming, Kylo waited for you in the kitchen while you set Violet up with the movie, making sure to turn the volume up extra loud so she wouldn't be able to hear you. She settled on the floor on her lap desk with her art supplies, already distracted with the colorful view on the screen and continuing to work on her drawing when you kissed her forehead before storming back to the kitchen. 

Rather than finding Kylo at the table where you'd left him he stood at the kitchen counter preparing ingredients for the sauce, a pot of water for the pasta already warming on the stove. You paused in the doorway, unable to prevent the flood of memories from years before at the penthouse. Kylo didn't cook often - hell it was a miracle the guy remembered to _eat_ with his schedule - but when he did he'd been surprisingly skilled. He'd made dinner a few times, even breakfast in bed for your birthday. 

French toast and orgasms were a combination you'd never known you needed until you met him. 

In fact some of what you'd learned had been from him. Before Kylo - and often on days when you didn't see him - meals consisted of whatever was cheap and could be thrown together and eaten on the go. Between classes and work you didn't have the time to slave away at the stove, nor the budget between you and Rachel to do anything too costly. 

But on one of the rare nights you were at the penthouse at a reasonable hour you'd suggested popping a frozen pizza in the oven and he looked at you like you'd grown a second head. He'd taught you how to make pizza from scratch, and while you seldom put the skill to good use what always stuck out about the memory was how happy it seemed to make him to teach you something. 

Yet another way he'd allowed you to fall in love only to rip the rug out from under you. 

The brutally honest reality check brought you out of the past and back to the present as effectively as if you'd been doused in ice water. More and more since seeing Kylo again you found yourself remembering the good instead of just the pain. It was beginning to take a conscious effort to forget there were good times. 

"Cooking doesn't get you off the hook for breaking into my house, you know." You remarked dryly as you walked back into the room, coming to join him at the counter. You reached for the knife in his hand he was using to chop garlic, intending to shoo him out of your space, but he lightly smacked the top of your hand to stop you. You rose a brow, your earlier _murder_ plots beginning to cycle through your mind again. "Did you seriously just slap my hand?" 

He tried and failed to hide the smirk curving his lips, "I must not have done it right if you're not sure." 

Your former self used to live for moments like these when he would let his guard down and flirt with you. Carefree and content. Looking back on it now you resented yourself for being so **desperate** for glimpses of a man who actually gave a damn about you. For not even considering that no matter your feelings for Kylo you should have wanted more than living at his mercy. Yes the money had been a factor - you couldn't command the behavior of a man who held your future in his hands - but you wished there'd been a way to make your heart see reason. 

Pressing your tongue against the inside of your cheek you rolled your eyes humorlessly, "Why do you keep doing that?" He'd made his fair share of cryptic comments about the past and his choices but he'd yet to tell you anything that would truly explain or justify the past or his present comfort with treating you like you were still his. "Flirting, making vague comments about what happened. What's the point?"

To his credit the humor did quickly fade from his expression, at least acknowledging how unfair he was being. After finishing with the garlic he set the knife down on the cutting board before turning to face you, "What would you say if I told you that I lied?"

"Lied about what?" You questioned with narrowed eyes, deliberately being unhelpful. You were tired of his vague responses and offhand comments. If you were going to humor him than the least he was going to do was be transparent. Especially if he was going to insist on staying in your house and eating your food after breaking in. 

His dark amber eyes narrowed in return, clearly not appreciating your refusal to play devil's advocate. These open discussions between the two of you - you had to remind yourself - were still new. Years before you'd certainly learned how to communicate with one another when it came to psychical needs and limits, but you'd never been on equal footing with him before. 

"Not wanting you." Kylo finally said bluntly, crossing his arms and looking down at you. Studying you. Somehow managing to make you feel like _you_ were the one on the spot despite the fact he was the one with all the explaining to do. You wondered, silently of course, if he had the ability to do that to everyone or it was just talent he had over you. 

Or maybe that was just the pull someone had over you after you let them fuck you while you dangled upside down from the ceiling. 

Shaking the thought of _that_ particular night away you leaned around him and grabbed the handle of the saucepan he'd pulled out and walked over to the stove. It gave you an excuse to turn your head enough to attempt to hide the heat in your cheeks, "Then I'd say you were a fucking idiot." Setting the pan down you drizzled some olive oil in and turned the eye on. With that done you stepped over to the fridge and grabbed a bag of frozen meatballs before turning back to give Kylo a frank look, "The only thing worse than tossing someone away like trash because you up and decided you didn't want them anymore is _lying_ about it." 

While there was a hint of irritation in his eyes at your accusation, you also found a far more genuine expression than you'd seen over the last few days. Something also significantly less hostile, "I told you earlier that I pushed you away because you couldn't be part of my life then. That wasn't a lie, but you were right when you said there was more to it than that." 

A part of you that you were far from proud of clung to the hope of his words. The idea that he hadn't actually grown tired of you or simply lost interest and moved on. No matter how things had turned out maybe it would have lessened the pain and rejection to know there was another cause. 

But the part of you that had picked yourself up out of the dirt after the disaster that was Kylo Ren could recognize yet another of his complete 180 mood swings. He'd gone from breaking into your house and accusing you of keeping Violet from him to cornering you in the kitchen and trying to convince you he hadn't meant what he said years before. 

"How do you go from looking like you want to throttle me to telling me you lied about not wanting me?" You asked with a repressed sigh. For all your proclamations to him the you were different and he couldn't push you around anymore it took so little to pull you right back into his orbit, "Seriously Kylo, is this your way of getting back at me for all this?" you gestured as much as his grip would allow. 

"I'm no less furious with you over ' _all this_ ' than I was an hour ago, but it does little good to keep lying to you considering," He broke off abruptly as he moved closer to you, once again encroaching on your space even though he he suddenly seemed at a loss for words. Or maybe just _hesitant_ to reveal more to you. 

"Considering what?" You prompted, trying and failing to sound as though the answer didn't much matter to you either way. 

His gaze shifted to the doorway you'd just come through, towards the sounds of the cheerful music in Violet's movie that couldn't have been more out of place between the tension brewing. When he looked back at you he sighed too, still remaining only less than a foot away, "Considering things are different now. And now that I know her I can't just walk away." 

"That still doesn't explain anything, Kylo. If you lied - and I'm not saying I buy that - tell me **why**. Why push me out of your life if you didn't want to?" You demanded, forcing yourself not to get caught up in the possibility of his words. He owed you more than vagueness and half-truths. 

Kylo's dark brows rose in response, "Do I need to remind you what was going on? You were about to graduate, I was married and ending it wasn't an option. I was on the verge of making partner and pissing Snoke off would have guaranteed it never would have happened. Where would you have fit there?" The wheels were turning in overtime in your head, spinning with what he was telling you. Going back and forth between the logic of his argument and the idea that a _promotion_ had ruined your life. But before you could comment his hand appeared beneath your chin. He stepped closer, titling your head up to meet his gaze, "You were exposed to enough of my world to know it's not black and white. I did what I thought needed to be done for both of us, duchess. But hindsight is twenty twenty. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't spend the last five years wishing things could have been different." 

_Wishing things could have been different._

You hated the way you clung to those words. To hear the remorse in his voice when he spoke about the past and feel your heart skip a beat. It shouldn't have mattered to you. No matter the cause he'd made his choices - and in turn made choices for you - and the consequences had long since played out. Regret didn't _change_ anything. 

Yet as you felt him tilting your head back more, his head inclining towards you, you did nothing to stop him. Your gaze drifted from his to the curve of his upper lip, already remembering the taste of his mouth on your own....

"What are you guys doing?" 

The bucket of ice water that was the sound of Violet's voice violently interrupted what you could only call a massive would-be mistake. You jumped back from Kylo as if you'd been burned, habitually smoothing non-existent wrinkles from your clothes. You felt your cheeks warm as you turned to find Violet watching the two of you with an odd expression. Not unhappy, but it was difficult to tell if it was positive. 

"Nothing. Nothing is going on here," you glanced towards Kylo, emphasizing the word pointedly but Kylo merely rolled his eyes in response. Hiding your irritation - and the fact that you were the definition of the word 'flustered' you stepped around him and quickly gathered a few plates, silverware, and napkins from the cabinets and drawer before passing the stack of items over to Kylo's unsuspecting hands. "Hey Vi why don't you show Kylo where the dining room table is and help him set it?" You suggested, cringing at the loudness of your own voice. 

All the same the both of them followed your prompting. You returned to the spaghetti and Kylo followed Violet through the doorway of the dining room, giving you a much moment catch your breath and wonder how far you would have let things go this time if Violet hadn't walked in. 

********************

You'd heard the low murmur of their voices as you finished with dinner. While you were curious, you took advantage of the time to calm your frayed nerves and convince yourself that a momentary lapse in judgement didn't mean that Kylo was already in the process of winning you over. 

You refused to let him off the hook that easily. 

Still armed with what felt like dozens of questions and few answers there was still too much up in the air to give him much more than the tentative benefit of the doubt. While he'd seemed willing to admit he'd made a mistake, he also heavily implied that part of the reason he pushed you out of his life was because it might have negatively affected his career not to. While you knew he worked hard and clearly valued his job, you didn't exactly **swoon** at the idea that a promotion had been behind the agony losing him had caused. 

With dinner ready you combined the pasta, sauce, and meatballs into a serving dish and threw together a quick Caesar salad - mostly for you and Kylo, all Violet would consent to eating from a salad was cheese and croutons - before bringing both into the dining room. You stopped in the doorway when you laid eyes on Kylo and Violet. 

The table had since been set and the two of them were sitting in chairs next to one another. Kylo's arm was resting on the table, hand palm up, one of Violet's hands wrapped around his thumb while she pressed her other hand against his. She looked between them, her tiny fingers compared to his sizable hand that pitifully dwarfed her own. "How did your hands get so big?" she asked, consumed with the curiosity of the moment. 

But Kylo didn't appear nearly as nonchalant. He looked between her and their hands, looking almost in _awe_. 

Only a few days before the idea of the two of them sitting in the same room together would have sent you into a blind panic. And while you still couldn't just trust him with her, the sight of the two of them together like that left you with an emotion you weren't at all prepared for.

Contentedness. 

You were in more trouble than you thought. 

Shaking the thought away you cleared your throat as you stepped into the room, setting the food down on the table. Kylo composed himself quickly - though still not nearly as fast as you were expecting - but Violet maintained her grip on his hand, "Will my hand ever get this big?"

You'd never seen Violet so fascinated with someone before. And granted Kylo was something to look at, you had to wonder in the back of your mind if her curiosity wasn't somehow linked to subconscious recognition. 

"I guess we'll have to wait and see," And pray that in the meantime you could think about _anything_ aside from Kylo's hands. You breathed a silent sigh of relief when Violet seemed to accept your answer at face value and released Kylo's hand so she could settle in the booster seat you weren't sure which of them had thought to put in her chair. 

A few moments of silence passed as you filled plates, pausing only to return to the kitchen for drinks. Milk for Violet, water for you and Kylo. You didn't trust yourself - or him - around the bottle of wine that would have been a better compliment to pasta. 

When Kylo took the first bite of his food he looked towards you, a genuinely - and in turn _insultingly_ \- surprised look on his face, "This is good." 

"Mommy cooks all kinds of good food," Violet chimed in, obvious to Kylo's shock as she worked on demolishing a meatball. "Except broccoli." You couldn't help but smile at the memory of the last time you'd cooked it and she asked you not to make any more of the 'stinky trees'. 

Before you could defend your preparation of broccoli though, Kylo was the first to speak, directing his attention to Violet though you could sense him watching you from the corner of his eye, "Did you know I taught your mommy how to cook?" 

Unsure of where he was taking the conversation you paused with your fork halfway to your mouth, though Violet already looked curious. Unaware of the tomato sauce smeared on her bottom lip, "Really? What did you teach her?" 

Though you knew Violet was referring to food, the mischievous gleam in his eyes told you his mind had gone immediately to other places. As had your own. Especially when you felt the brush of his foot against your calf. His lips curved slightly, unable to hide his amusement when you jumped. "All sorts of things," he answered Violet with a small smile, clearly enjoying himself far too much. "she wasn't always a very good student. She doesn't like doing as she's told." 

It was your turn to smile when you aimed a kick at his unprotected shin. You failed to hide your grin at his wince of pain and poorly concealed glare. You turned to Violet, about to defend your honor, but the sound of the doorbell buzzing cut you off. 

It wasn't that late in the evening, but you weren't expecting anyone and it was rare for any of the neighbors to come by this late. Most had small children and were busy with one activity or another until later in the evening. 

"I'll get it!" Violet chirped, half throwing herself out of her chair and sprinting for the door. The doorbell was still an area of great fascination for her. Even after reminding her to wait for you she still had a tendency to run for the door. 

"Violet hang o-" you called after her as you stood from your chair, but you heard the door open and two familiar voices before you could even finish your sentence. 

"Uncle Jace and Uncle Poe are here!" 

You froze. You weren't sure you'd ever been unhappy to hear either of their names before - especially Jace's, your older brother was always a welcome addition expected or not - but in that moment you'd never wished more that a hole would open up in the ground and swallow you whole. Of the many things that had happened over the last few days that you hadn't been prepared for, Kylo meeting Jace and Poe ranked pretty high at the top of the list. 

Before you could think of any kind of back up plan - really, aside from pushing Kylo out a window or hiding him in a closet he was too tall for did you have any options? - the sound of several sets of footsteps sounded in the hall, mingled with Jace and Poe's greetings and Violet's excitable chatter. Kylo looked towards you curiously, a brow raised as he unhurriedly rose to his feet. 

"Mommy's friend Kylo is eating spaghetti with us," Violet informed them happily as the three of them stepped into the dining room. You felt your eyes widen a fraction as your gaze immediately moved to Jace's. 

His hunter green eyes sought yours out, an easy smile on his lips mixed with surprise at Violet's comment before he took in your expression. It was the first time Jace and Poe would have known you to have a man over when Violet was in the house, which you imagined they might be happy about - they both frequently insisted you date - but there was no concealing the atmosphere from them. Kylo's defenses had snapped back in place and he looked smooth and unreadable on the other side of the table and you were already spinning your wheels trying to figure out what to say. 

You'd told Jace some of the story over the years, but he'd been the one to fill in the blanks about how hurt you were. For a long time that translated simply into holding you and letting you cry, or the night he invited you over, handed you a pair of gloves and safety glasses and let you shatter as many ceramic dishes as you wanted before ordering a pizza and pulling out the vodka. He never pressed you for answers, but he'd always been incredibly intuitive. You were still convinced whatever side of your family genes that trait came from had gone straight to Violet. 

You watched, almost as if in slow motion as his gaze traveled from you to Kylo, and then to Violet. Distantly you could hear Violet and Poe talking but you couldn't make out the words. Impossible as it seemed, you were almost certain Jace already knew. 

Though ironically enough it was Poe who broke the silence. Seeming to have noticed Jace's preoccupation, he squeezed his arm before he bent down to Violet's level and gave her a huge grin, "Uncle Jace told me you got a new doll house. Can you show me?" 

And Violet, enraptured by the idea of her dollhouse, offered no argument. Poe was more often than not her favorite person to play with given his willingness to indulge her every request. You still had pictures on your phone somewhere of his head completely overrun by colorful butterfly clips because she wanted to give him curlier hair. 

Without sparring anyone a second glance she grabbed Poe's hand and lead him out of the dining room, already explaining which rooms each of her Barbies lived in. Poe cast a worried glance around the room before he followed after her. You made a mental note to thank him for making an excuse to get Violet out of the room before the inevitable explosion. 

Jace, still eyeing Kylo, moved around the table to you, giving you a side hug before gesturing to Kylo, "Your friend Kylo? I don't think you've ever mentioned a Kylo before." 

Returning the hug you resisted the urge to slap him; you knew he was baiting. Not necessarily you, but definitely Kylo. "He's an old friend. It's been a while." You explained as vaguely as possible, risking a glance at Kylo who was watching Jace curiously. You'd told him enough about your brother before that he probably had a sense for who he was, but seeing him in person had to be a different experience. When you described Jace to people they had a tendency to picture someone lanky and mild mannered. 

Instead what they found was someone who stood around 6.2, built like a tank, and had sleeve tattoos poking out of his rolled up long sleeved tee shirt. A scar over his right eyebrow from a fight at a rally years before. His slightly overgrown dark brunette hair was the only thing about him that appeared mild. 

Surprising you, Kylo was the first to extend his hand across the table, "Pleasure to finally meet the famous Jace." he said smoothly, glancing towards you with that same raised brow. You couldn't tell if he was genuinely trying to be polite or just bullshitting the both of you. 

With one arm still around you Jace reached and took Kylo's hand, plainly squeezing harder than necessary, "I take it you're the son of a bitch who broke my baby sister's heart and abandoned my niece?" 

You felt your cheeks warm as Jace pulled his hand back. You could feel his body tensing beside you; you could _feel_ Kylo's anger from across the table. You hadn't anticipated things escalating this quickly. Looking between them you narrowed your eyes and gestured towards the door Poe and Violet had disappeared through, "I hate to bust up the party before it starts but can we not kill each other when my kid's in the house?" 

"Perhaps you should address that statement to your brother. He appears to be the only one **tragically** without the ability to control himself." Kylo remarked dryly, withdrawing his own hand before looking back at you, "Thank you for dinner, but I should go. We can continue this later." 

Without further comment Kylo headed for the door. You turned to Jace, about to try and explain, but he quickly disentangled himself and followed after Kylo. 

Cursing under your breath you followed behind them, catching up just in time to see Jace grab Kylo's shoulder and shove him into the neighboring wall. The impact, mercifully, was quiet, but the fury in Jace's eyes was anything but. "You haven't seen how little control I can show you. You screwed up her life once already. Try it again and there won't be a rock on the face of this planet you can crawl under where I can't find you." He snarled, mere inches separating the two of them. 

But Kylo, well versed in threats and violence alike, barely seemed phased by Jace's fury. He held perfectly still for a long moment before he took a step forward, forcing Jace to take one back and free him from the wall. All traces of cordiality vanishing from his expression as a deadly glare consumed his features, "The defensive big brother act is cute, really. But we'll see how long it lasts, boy." By now you were by their sides, still keeping an ear out for the sound of Violet's return. Before you could speak Kylo turned to you again, "I'll be in touch, duchess." Leaning down he pressed his lips against your cheek, hovering just long enough to murmur in your ear, "and maybe if you're good, daddy will come back to play with you too." 

You felt your jaw slacken as he pulled away, shooting you a wink you thanked every higher power in existence Jace couldn't see before he turned on his heel and resumed his trip to the front door. "Tell Violet I said goodnight." he called over his shoulder before pulling it open and disappearing into the darkness outside. The door closed with a soft click behind him. You could hear Poe and Violet's voices drifting down the hall, completely unaware of what had just happened. 

Jace watched him go, his fists clenched at his sides. You could tell how badly he wanted to pursue him, but he wouldn't risk doing anything Violet might see or overhear. Instead he turned back to you, an incredulous look coloring his features, " _Duchess_? What the fuck, kid? I was right, wasn't I? This is the prick that damn near destroyed you and you're cooking him **dinner**?"

You sighed, listening to the sound of Kylo's engine rev from the driveway. In a weird way you wished you were going with him, because maybe then you could delay this conversation. The last thing you wanted was for Jace to be disappointed in you, and you still couldn't fully explain the situation. There was no way to win. 

And combined with what Kylo had said to you before casually strolling out the door you felt like your head was in danger of exploding. 

"Jace it's not that simple. And there's still a lot even I don't know, so maybe just cut me a little bit of slack until I figure it out?" You suggested, briefly pinching the bridge of your nose before heading back to the dining room to get your canceled dinner cleaned up. The only victory of the night was that Violet had at least eaten a decent amount of her food before Jace and Poe's unplanned visit. 

Jace trailed behind you, practically on your heels. You knew he was just worried about you, he wasn't judgmental person. That wasn't his motivation. But in his concern you knew he was going to ask questions you couldn't answer and tell you that you needed to distance yourself and Violet from Kylo. 

Something you **needed** to hear, but you weren't so sure you could do. 

You started collecting dishes, willing your still-warm cheeks to stop giving away how great of an effect Kylo had on you. "What are you guys even doing here?" you asked Jace as he began automatically helping you clean up, hoping to distract him at least a little while longer. 

"We were in the area visiting friends, thought we'd come see you and Violet. I tried texting but you didn't respond." He picked up the platter of leftover spaghetti, eyes lingering on Kylo's abandoned plate until you picked it up. As if even his dinnerware was tainted. 

Until Jace mentioned it you hadn't even given your phone a second thought for hours. You weren't even sure where it was. Still, would it have killed them to have slightly better timing? 

You lead the way into the kitchen and the two of you worked in silence for a few minutes, clearing food off plates and dumping it in the trash, doing dishes and loading the dishwasher, and packing away leftovers. You could sense Jace's unease with the situation like a physical being in the room, but you could at least credit him for giving you a few moments to breathe and collect your thoughts. 

When the kitchen and dining room were both wiped down and as close to spotless as they ever came you leaned against the kitchen counter, sighing tiredly before giving Jace a 'go ahead' hand gesture, "Thanks for the assist. You can lay into me now." 

But rather than immediately go off, Jace sighed too, suddenly seeming tired. He came to stand next to you, leaning back against the edge of the counter and wrapping his arm around your shoulders. He paused at Violet's high pitched squeal of delight and Poe's booming laugh from down the hall, smiling distantly before giving your shoulders a light squeeze, "I'm not going to tell you what to do. That's mom and dad's special brand of bullshit. What I am going to do is remind you that whatever that guy did to you before nearly broke you. You've worked your ass off to come back from that. Don't give him the power to do it again." 

You leaned into him, exhaling slowly, wondering if it was already too late for that. 

**********************

Jace and Poe didn't stay long after that. With everyone having to get up for work in the morning and their long drive home it hadn't been intended to be a long visit. Despite the rocky nature of it, you were still grateful for it. Violet was excited to have gotten Poe's attention all to herself for a little while, and even though Jace was clearly questioning your sanity his presence had a way of making you feel better. More grounded. 

When they packed up to leave Poe pulled you in for a bear hug and told you to call if you needed babysitters to have a night for yourself. Jace told you keep a baseball bat handy. Advice which you were still seriously considering with Kylo having broken in and his overconfident exit from your home. 

_....and maybe if you're good, daddy will come back to play with you too.  
_

His words, his visit, the questions you still needed answers to, and what he'd revealed to you kept you up for hours that night. Replaying conversations. Telling yourself to stop valuing the idea that so much of what had - as Jace pointed out - broke you years before wasn't the truth. Reminding yourself that even if it was a lie it had still destroyed you and you couldn't put Violet in the position for that to ever happen to her. 

By the time your alarm went off that morning you felt like you had no sooner closed your heavy eyes than the shrill beep was ringing in your ears, dragging you from fitful sleep. You were still covered by bereavement leave at work, but you had a massive to do list to take care of, and you needed to figure out what the hell to do about Kylo. With his promise that he wasn't going to walk away, you were going to have to figure something out, and fast. 

After showering and getting dressed you went through your normal morning routine of waking Violet, making breakfast, and getting her ready for preschool. Unlike you she seemed well rested and carefree, still talking about Jace, Poe, and Kylo's visit and asking when all of you could play together. 

You didn't have the heart to tell her what a blood bath that would turn out to be. 

Once you were both ready to go you were just heading out the front door when she suddenly darted into the living room. Before you could ask she returned, holding the picture she'd been drawing the night before. In all the excitement you'd totally forgotten about the art project she'd been finishing while you and Kylo talked in the kitchen. 

She grinned at you and handed you the picture when she reached you at the door, "Can you give my picture to Kylo?" she asked before stepped over the threshold and running towards the car, her backpack haphazardly holding on to her shoulders as she went. 

With both curiosity and dread, you turned the picture over in your hands as you stepped out the front door and shut and locked it behind you, you felt your stomach drop at the sight. 

A grassy field. Little grey semi circles poking out of the grass. The tent she'd been sitting under at Maz's funeral. Sun shining overhead.

And three people standing together. You, Violet, and Kylo. 

So much for the hope she hadn't seen anything. 

***********************

Despite your impressively long list of things to accomplish while Violet was at school, you ended up coming straight home after dropping her off. The lack of sleep mixed with the shock of seeing what she'd drawn in her picture left your head both spinning and pounding. 

You'd planned on trying to catch a few more hours of sleep before forcing yourself to be productive, but as you pulled into your driveway you realized that wasn't going to happen. At least not immediately. 

A white SUV you didn't recognize sat in your driveway. Your initial thought was that Kylo was back, driving yet another overpriced car, but the figure standing on your front porch most definitely wasn't Kylo. You didn't recognize her, but you could at least tell she wasn't six and a half feet of bad decisions waiting to happen. 

After parking your own next to hers you climbed out and headed for the door, hoping for the woman's sake that she wasn't selling anything because you were far from being in the mood to humor anyone. 

"Can I help you?" You asked as you climbed the steps, only to come to an abrupt stop on the top step when she turned to face you. 

Despite the lack of full sunlight she wore oversized sunglasses that she pushed up on top of her immaculately styled dark hair. Her black peacoat alone looked like something you'd only seen on the pages of magazines. And despite the smile she offered you, you could feel the resentment rolling off her in waves. 

"You can, actually." She responded smoothly, her lightly accented voice sounding nothing like what you'd pictured years before. You'd purposefully never looked too far into Kylo's wife - to spare yourself the guilt and insecurity, and because it felt like a further invasion into the life you weren't meant to be a part of - but she was just as stunning as you remembered from the few pictures you hadn't been able to avoid. Seeing the alarm in your expression her smile turned a shade more sour, "I'm Kylo's wife, Rey. I think you and I are overdue for a little chat, don't you think? It's the least you could do after sleeping with my husband behind my back for two years." 

***********************

Yes. It's a cliffhanger. This is my way of life. O___O

This could get interesting...

Please please please like/comment, you guys know how much I adore hearing from you! 

Until next time <3 


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